Housekeeping

The Spokane news is doing a story on some guy who throws semen on women in public. As my friend from Denver would say: "DUDE!"

Idol voting is a mystery.

Lost is BACK, Baby! Great show.

The Hey Mercedes show has been confirmed, I've got my hotel and plane reservations, and tickets go on sale Saturday!!!

Enjoy the interviews. I probably tried too hard on the questions, but I thought they would yield interesting responses.

It's shortly after 11 and I'm going to bed already. Sweet!

TSG, you still down?

1. What’s your most embarrassing/uncomfortable going-to-the-bathroom story that happened to you, not someone you know or heard about? Supply gory details.

2. What's your worst childhood memory, from ten years old or younger? What's the happiest?

3. You're feeling very adventurous, and take a secret solo trip to China. While there you get arrested for a drug crime you didn't commit, railroaded through court and sentenced to immediate execution. No one, and I mean NO ONE, knows you're there or what's happened. Before your execution, you're allowed to make three phone calls to anyone in the world. No call you make will save you, though. Who do you call and why?

4. What single piece of art (literature/ music/ visual arts/ cinema) do you wish you created, for personal satisfaction’s sake, not the attending fame and fortune from having done it?

5. Describe the situation you remember most when you laughed a whole, whole, whole lot.

You also get the
Bonus question #6. What are your three favorite boy names and three favorite girl names?

Watergirl, your interview is served

1. A Supervillain straps you in the Clockwork Orange chair to make you watch a specific children’s cartoon (not just one episode) the rest of your life as torture. What cartoon do you choose and why? No South Park, Simpsons, Family Guy, Futurama, etc.

2. Have you ever lusted after a married man? No names, but who was he and how did you know/meet him? How far did you take it?

3. If you were possessed by uncontrollable rage and despair, given an arsenal of rubber bullet rifles, were compelled to go on a non-lethal-but-certainly-painful shooting spree, AND could travel anywhere in time or space to do it, would you go to: a. Childhood home/neighborhood; b. high school; c. college; d. particular job (name it); e. White House of any administration (name it); f. Other (name it)? Please give brief details justifying the carnage.

4. What celebrity’s sweat would you most want to have on you, if it gets there in a non-sexual way?

5. A messenger comes to you and tells you that tomorrow you will learn the Absolute Truth about God, Creation, the Universe, and the Purpose of Human Existence. Assume you believe him. He also tells you that you can choose not to learn it, because he personally thinks you might be disappointed in the news. Do you decide to learn it or decline? Oh yeah, you can’t tell anybody if you learn it.

Bonus Question #6. What are your three favorite boy names and three favorite girl names?

In depth and in your face

The blogger formerly known as LawyerGuy (I'm not at liberty to link his new site yet) is propagating a neat gimmick called The Interview. The rules are, Person A offers to give an interview in a blog post. The first person to leave a comment asking for an interview gets it. Person A then makes up 5 questions for the winner and posts them on his/her blog. The winner then posts the questions and their answers in their own blog. And then, if they so desire, they offer to interview someone else, and so on.

Below are the questions he asked me, and my responses. Great job on the questions, Bliss. I hope the answers are illuminating.

1. Someone in one of your favorite bands died, and the guys left over called you to fill in for a 300-show tour that only covers a single album - which band, what instrument, and which album?

Given all the moaning I've been doing about Hey Mercedes, and my firmly held position that NO band does as good a show as Phish, I'm going to have to go with Rush. Even though I play guitar, if the call magically gives me the powers to replace any member, then I'm going to have to take Neil Peart's place at the drum kit. I’m going to cheat on the album and say “Exit… Stage Left” (a live album) because then I would get to play a bunch of songs from several studio albums.

2. You have to write a new law for your home state - what's the law, and why do we need it?

The state I call home now, or the state I grew up in? I'm going to use my current state (Utah), because that's easy. The law would be the Omnibus Mormon Church Control Act. Among other things, it would (1) forbid those holding office in the Mormon Church from speaking publicly on any issue currently before any government body at any level, (2) require the Church to pay as much state tax as any other corporation would pay in federal and state taxes combined, as well as require contributions directly into a fund for public education spending, (3) forbid the Church from owning commercial property, and (4) normalize state liquor laws. The reasons why are myriad and obvious.

3. You get a coupon to Lacuna, Inc., and, being a spendthrift, you have to use it - who gets erased and why?

I won't weasel out of this, even though I would never erase anyone from my memory. It would not be my ex-wife, although I wouldn’t be surprised if she erased me. I’ll say Scott Stevens, a kid I grew up with, because he swindled me out of money not once, but twice! Shame on me. It wouldn't be the worst thing to totally forget that. Damn, I need to see that movie!

4. The universe is collapsing, and you spend the last 15 seconds of existence looking at a single thing - what do you look at and why?

A picture of my wife and son, because to look at them in person would be two things. I know it's mushy, but there's absolutely nothing else I would want to see more than their loving, smiling faces in those last moments. (Those aren't tears! It's dust, yeah dust.)

5. You just got a check for $10,000 - you have two hours to spend it, BUT you can only spend it on "vices," and you have to consume/use/screw/etc. within the same two hours (that is, no buying a brick of meth, but not using it) - what do you buy?

You know I'm married, right? Do I die at the end of the two hours? I should hope so!

I would rent an Aston-Martin Vanquish V12 and drive around really fast and get the best pizza, cheeseburger, cheesesteak, mozzarella sticks, vanilla milkshake, cheesecake, red velvet cake, omelet, and pancakes I can find. Then I'd take it all to the largest, most luxurious hotel suite in town. The balance of the money would go toward getting Celeste (danger, not safe for work) to come out of porn-retirement and perform a gang-bang, with the extras of her choice, for me while I eat. I have no imagination when it comes to vice, but I know what I like. [Sorry, Sweetie, I had to answer!]

Now let's bring on the interview requests! Unfortunately you have to have a blog to participate. I will treat even the slightest implication that you want an interview as a binding assent to the project. I also make no warranties that my questions will be creative or interesting.

No iPod, but "Little Sister" by Queens of the Stone Age has been in my head ALL DAY LONG. I think I'm going to pick up the new album. Songs for the Deaf rules!

Here they come.

I know it's a pretty tired blog feature: the list of weird search terms that brought freaks to your site. But I got a couple of interesting ones (finally), and wanted to share them.

1. Elastigirl tits (I asked for it, I guess)
2. Mikalah Gordon tits (Has she posed already? Oh wait, "she's only 17!"*)
3. Slobby handjobs (this person searched from Finland)
4. Orange Bowel (this person is either a patron or employee of this place, a Catholic Nun-run senior services institution. I love Sitemeter.)
5. author board cfnm/ embarrassing cfnm stories (dedicated to Bliss, formerly Lawyer Guy. I owe him so much)

[Also, Bliss, it looks like Finland has begun following your decree.]

Gotta brush, floss and sleep now. Good night.

* credit: Kip Winger (I just typed www.kipwinger.com in the address bar on a whim, and my prayers were answered.)

"I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!"

I had it all figured out. I was going to be responsible and get plenty of sleep. I was going to enjoy my lonesome hotel nights and not feel the crushing weight of wardrobe obligations. It was one of the most brilliant ideas known to Mankind. I decided to do ALL of my ironing for the week on my first night in Calgary. Delta tried to stop me, by canceling my first flight and getting me into town an hour and a half later than I had planned. But I was not going to be denied.

So I ironed all of them and got to bed at 2, around the time I would have gone to bed if I had turned on the TV, got onto the internet and only ironed one outfit. But the freedom I gave myself for the rest of the week was going to be worth the 4 hours I got last night.

That illusion came crashing down tonight, because as you can see by the posting time, I'm starting this at 11:30 PST, which is 12:30 my time. I got done with work and immediately did a run. Then I did homework. I didn't turn on the TV or the computer at all. When almost done with my homework, I ordered dinner and watched a little Jeopardy while I ate. Then I turned it off, talked with my wife, and finished my homework. Right in time for 24. And then the blogging began. I hadn't read anything all weekend, and there was so much to catch up on. Looks like I'm going to bed late again. I don't feel so smart any more.

Another reason I'm doubting my genius is the Great American Pop Culture Quiz: Movie Edition in this week's Entertainment Weekly. I did it in the airport and on the plane, and man, did I blow! The score legend says that above 90 is good. I got 90 without the non-movie bonus questions; 113 with. Suffice it to say I had higher expectations for myself. The biggest problem was not my memory, it was not having seen so many damn movies. Mostly the older ones. I'm never going to see all the movies I want, let alone all that I would need to kick ass in Trivial Pursuit. Sigh. A few of the movies featured in my cryptic pregnancy announcement post were featured in the quiz. Here are the answers to my riddles with the ones in the quiz in bold.

Q: "And if I catch the guy that did it!" A: In response to Frank saying, "Oh, congratulations, I understand that Edna's pregnant again."

Q: What's the shortest way to connect Alec Baldwin to Kevin Bacon? A: She's Having a Baby.

Q: What film starring Olympia Dukakis and George Segal re-energized the film careers of two hard-core Scientologists? A: Look Who's Talking (John Travolta and Kirstie Alley are the Scientologists)

Q: Ever see that bad, 80s, business-themed movie starring Diane Keaton? A: Baby Boom.

Q: What connected a "bartender" (Ted Danson), a "private detective" (Tom Selleck) and a "goof-off cop" (Steve Guttenberg) in a remake of a popular French comedy? A: A baby, as in Three Men and a Baby. (TWO questions about this film in the quiz)

Q: Who does nobody put in a corner? A: Baby (from Dirty Dancing)

No one got my tooth-brushing-while-driving movie, which did not make the magazine quiz, either. Only the watergirl even attempted, and for that she gets 200 points and the knowledge that she's better than all of you. ;-)

Just kidding, of course. It would be wrong to judge a person's, or your own, worth on how much stupid movie crap they know.

New Thursday Shows

Anyone see NBC’s version of The Office last night? I've never seen the original British version, but heard great things. I really liked it, though some bits didn't work so well. Steve Carell is hilarious, but I’m partial to the receptionist and young slacker who encases his coworkers’ things in jello. His character is great, and the mundane-but-forbidden chemistry between them is very promising. I’m going to give it a try, even though Thursday is my “nothing I have to watch so I'll do homework” night.

Also checked out Life on a Stick. Pretty silly, started slow, but had some funny parts as it went along. It’s like That 70s Show, but without any smart foils for the dummies.

And The Lord God looked down upon the Earth with favor last night, and bestowed a gracious blessing upon Mankind. Mikalah Gordon was booted off American Idol. Glad that’s over.

iPod: “Ramina” by Jimmy Eat World, “Witch” by Belly, and “Long Way Down (Look What the Cat Drug In)” by Michael Penn.

Oh yeah? What's so good about it?

Happy Good Friday, if that's an appropriate greeting. Boss is bitchy and emotional (she recently lost a close family member), Terri Schiavo is fading, her parents are desperate, Jeb Bush wants to kidnap her and spoon feed her himself, the glorious early-Spring weather we had here two weeks ago has become a wet, chilly mess, I haven't run in over a week, no confirmation on The Show. Not your usual TGIFriday, is it?

I feel really bad for Terri's parents. I can't imagine watching your daughter die when you really believe that she's alert and capable of some degree of recovery. But it's just not their call anymore. I'm surprised that someone hasn't offered her husband a bunch of money to change his mind about what Terri would have wanted and fund a divorce from her. If you really think that his motive is not fulfilling Terri's wishes, then outbid whatever benefit you think he's hoping to gain from her death. There are so many rich and powerful people on the parents' side of this, I wonder if it's already been proposed.

One unfortunate effect of this situation, VERY tangential to the whole tragedy of Terri's life, is that those who are advocating for Michael's right to decide what Terri would have wanted, and those (like me) who are appalled at the abuse of power and naked opportunism exhibited by politicians, will easily be branded "murderous liberals" by the conservative attack hounds, allowing Republicans to further polarize the electorate and keep people from being elected that can really address the issues faced by the nation. Crusades against culture, increased political influence by religious and corporate America, and perpetual war-mongering are NOT what this country needs. Those aren't going to decrease the deficit, save Medicare and Social Security, increase employment and economic activity, reduce terrorism, and improve education.

In better news, our son is READING!!! He's actually reading, and it makes my heart light up like E.T.'s when he sounds out a three-syllable word, finishes a sentence, or just starts reading random words on signs. It's so amazing to have a kid, I can't wait for the next one!

iPod: "I'd Rather Be Wine Drunk" by The City on Film, "She's an Angel" by They Might Be Giants, "Annie" by that dog., "The Promise" by Tanya Donelly, and "Crazy Fucker" by Elliott Smith.

P.S.- I really want someone to play movie trivia with me! [pout, pout] I made a comment on The Hot Librarian about a scene in a movie where someone is brushing his teeth while driving, and rinses with Diet Coke. No one bit on it there. Anyone want to guess what movie this is from? Hint, it's in the opening scenes.

Time for my post-lunch nap

So far so good on Project Continu-Post. I've decided to do my daily updates around lunch time. I can't do it in the morning because that's when I READ all my blogs. That usually takes me to around 10:30-11 (depending on how many news stories my wife sends me), then I have to do a little work until lunch time. Then I check back on all the comments I've left at others' blogs and see if they garnered a response. Throw in random checks of personal email and to see if tickets have gone on sale for the Hey Mercedes show YET, and it's 1:30 when I post this.

I think my boss wants to fire me. For some reason she doesn't think I'm at all capable. Maybe it's because I've been paired with a complete incompetent supervisor/colleague for almost 4 years and she has little idea of what I can do. So when she finally throws me into my own case, don't you think it's totally reasonable for her to have elevated expectations of me to handle a small crisis and tell the client how it's going to be, despite what they say they need from us. Now she just mumbles at me in the morning and avoids making eye-contact. No verbal contact for the rest of the day. IETSU!*

But I am excited about my new case. It's going well so far, and as I mentioned yesterday, I intend to kick major ass on it. It may seem hard to reconcile my actions described in the first paragraph with my intentions stated in the last sentence, but it's going to work. Don't you worry.

Here's a funny little news story my wife sent me. It's actually been updated with pictures and such. When I first read it, it was just a couple paragraphs. What fun that must have been.

As for the Hey Mercedes show, the club where the show is allegedly taking place has yet to announce the show or offer tickets for sale. In fact, they have announced a completely different show for that night, some kind of DJ lineup. Ugh. Let's get it together, people! I need to make my reservations.

iPod: "Satellite" by The Replacements, "The Inlaw Josie Wales" by Phish, "Curtains" by Soundtrak, "Don't Let's Start" by They Might Be Giants, and "These Wooden Ideas" by Idlewild.

*I Eat This Shit Up. A variation on WETSU: We Eat etc.

Contractual Obligation Post

Anyone out there have Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album? I used to, and don't know what happened to it. I miss it.

So Jade has bound me to post more, so I'm posting today despite having no time or energy to rant about the Schiavo case, American Idol, table manners, music, or anything else. I've got my own case at work, and I really need to bring it home in a big way. The boss doesn't believe in it, so if I slam dunk it then my stock will rise exponentially and that will translate into dollars, hopefully. Plus my wife works in the same office and she gets annoyed when I goof off too much, since she's such a diligent (yet under-appreciated) worker. No sarcasm there at all. She's a dynamo.

[Aside: You may be wondering if I would be heaping so much praise on my wife if she didn't read this blog. The answer is a resounding "Yes!"]

So I've found my "niche" in weird search terms. Buster has his "Naked Elastigirl", the Sarcastrix has her "Ginormous Tits". Lawyer Guy had his "Sebaceous Dick", or something like that. Mine?

"Ryan Seacrest"

I got two consecutive visitors last night looking for "Ryan Seacrest naked". There was that "Ryan Seacrest naked in the bathroom" a couple days ago. And today "Ryan Seacrest shirts". That one made me laugh because I really WAS writing about Ryan's shirts and my limited wardrobe overhaul.

I was hoping when I started this blog that the band names from the iPod lists would bring people here, connecting me with people of similar musical tastes. Nothing yet.

Back to work. Feel free to write lots of comments for me to respond to. That doesn't take as long as posting.

iPod: "Big House: by Michael Penn, "Thunder Shower" by Fossil, "Head Down" by Soundgarden.

Sweet, sweet vindication!

Isn't the internet great? Google, and other search engines, are a dream come true. Instant research at the click of a button! Why am I extolling the virtues of instant information on the internet?

My wife was teaching our son to cut his own meat last night. She cuts and eats her meat one way, and I do it another. She chose to teach him her way, which is fine, but I thought it was funny how explicitly she was instructing him her way, and I lodged an objection that I didn't think she was teaching the only right way. I wasn't arguing for her to teach my way, only letting her know, on the record, that I still maintain that my way is perfectly acceptable, and not impolite, crude or wrong. I was also joking a bit, because that's the sort of thing you do in a deposition, and is not normally used at the dinner table. Of course we got in a little argument about it, but nothing serious. Well, today, I have chosen this public forum to declare my resounding victory! I'm doing it here so that my wife knows I'm being funny, and not spitefully throwing something in her face. I would never do that here, only in the privacy of our home.

Check this out:

There are two ways to use a knife and fork to cut and eat your food. They are the American style and the European or Continental style. Either style is considered appropriate. In the American style, one cuts the food by holding the knife in the right hand and the fork in the left hand with the fork tines piercing the food to secure it on the plate. Cut a few bite-size pieces of food, then lay your knife across the top edge of your plate with the sharp edge of the blade facing in. Change your fork from your left to your right hand to eat, fork tines facing up. (If you are left-handed, keep your fork in your left hand, tines facing up.) The European or Continental style is the same as the American style in that you cut your meat by holding your knife in your right hand while securing your food with your fork in your left hand. The difference is your fork remains in your left hand, tines facing down, and the knife in your right hand. Simply eat the cut pieces of food by picking them up with your fork still in your left hand.

And this:

The European, or "Continental," style of using knife and fork is somewhat more efficient, and its practice is also common in the United States, where left-handed children are no longer forced to learn to wield a fork with their right hands. According to this method, the fork is held continuously in the left hand and used for eating. When food must be cut, the fork is used exactly as in the American style, except that once the bite has been separated from the whole, it is conveyed directly to the mouth on the downward-facing fork. Regardless of which style is used to operate fork and knife, it is important never to cut more than one or two bites at one time.

There's more:

This advice applies as well to the European, or Continental, dining technique in
which the left hand holds the fork and the right the knife.

And here's a person after my own heart:

In the US, etiquette dictates that you cut with the knife in the dominant hand
and the fork in the other hand to brace the food as you cut. When you finish the
cut, the knife is placed on the rim of the plate, sharp edge facing in, the fork
is then moved to the dominant hand to eat the cut piece while the other hand
goes in the lap.

After living in Europe, where they don't do all this switching around, I decided that the US etiquette is crazy and have adopted the Euro way.
bristolz, Jan 04 2005

Here's the google search, just to comically overload the point. Over 30 thousand results!

Now I'm not claiming that my execution of the European, or Continental, method is correct and does not look unseemly, but I didn't make it up. ;-)

I love you, Sweetie!
:-* :-* :-*

iPod: "Suzanne" by Weezer, "Flawed" by Pond, "Mother" by The Police, and "World is Static" by Jimmy Eat World.

He shoots, he scores!

My wife thought my clever movie trivia post was a cop-out, so let me state things more directly.
That's right, dear readers, my wife, our son and I are expecting a child. She's due in early September, pretty close to my own birthday. The Wife is doing great, no sickness, and sexy as ever. Certain things have become bigger and more sensitive, and loved to be touched and fondled. Fun fun fun!

She does have an unexplainable craving for insanely spicy food. I don't think anyone in my family, going back aeons, enjoys really hot food, so that's not coming from me. The devastating wit and passion for hockey will be my contributions, hopefully.

Speaking of hockey, my alma mater was defeated in the finals of its conference tournament, so that was a bummer. On the bright side they have a place in the NCAA national championship tournament, so the dream is still alive for that elusive first national title. You can do it, boys!

In the interest of quasi-full disclosure, I think I'll give a little context on my life, seeing as I've just divulged a major life event.

I'm 31. I'm on my second marriage. I left the first one. I still feel guilty about leaving the marriage, and getting married in the first place, but she was just not someone I loved enough to be with for the rest of my life. I did not appreciate the commitment I was making. My ex-wife and I had some contact for a while, but now we don't communicate at all. I sometimes get calls for her from collection agencies, though, so I pass along the last phone number I had. They can track me down, but not her? Weird.

My current wife is indubitably THE woman I will love and be with the rest of my life. She has a son from a previous relationship, who is now my step-son. I won't be able to adopt him, but he is my son for all practical purposes. I love him more than I could have imagined loving someone, because it's such a different love than romantic love. He just turned 5, is starting to read, and is the funnest and funniest kid you'll ever meet. And damn smart! See, I've got that fatherly pride thing down pat. The coming child will be the first from my sperm (as far as I know), and I'm not-so-secretly hoping for a girl. But I certainly will not be disappointed with a boy. We live in a too-small house and hope to move someday, but we'll make do. It seems the structure of my life is finally set and all that's left is to watch the plot come splashing down to meet me. It will be an adventure, I know, but I have some constants to anchor me, even if Hey Mercedes is breaking up. *sniff*

iPod: "The Passing of America" by Moneen, "Wendy Clear" by Blink 182, "No Name #4" by Elliott Smith, Guster double header (played back to back in the shuffle) "Great Escape" and "Cocoon".

P.S.- I'd like people to offer their answers to my movie questions. I love trivia. Jade and Wife, you can't answer. Sorry.

Wherein I reveal my big news with movie references

"And if I catch the guy that did it!"

Recognize that quote anyone? It's from the Naked Gun. Recognize the context?

Ever play "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon"? What's the shortest way to connect Alec Baldwin to Kevin?

What film starring Olympia Dukakis and George Segal re-energized the film careers of two hard-core Scientologists?

Ever see that bad, 80's, business-themed movie starring Diane Keaton? No one else did, either.

What connected a "bartender", a "private detective" and a "goof-off cop" in a remake of a popular French comedy?

Who does nobody put in a corner? (This is probably the easiest one, so I'll leave out the title to obscure it bit.)

I know I promised to reveal all this weekend, and since I started this post 2 minutes before midnight, with easily google-able clues, I feel I have fulfilled my promise. Now I want to go to bed.

I will let you know explicitly, however, that I have decided to scrap the marathon and go to the Hey Mercedes show in Chicago! And I'm very pleased about it. I suppose I should keep training in case something gets in the way of the trip, but I didn't run this weekend at all. I was having too much fun with my family. At the least I can't stop running altogether. That would be disastrous.

Feel free to answer the trivia in the comments, and go ahead and say what I was too chicken to come out and say. Thanks, all!

More scenes from a gym

My friend Jade, who comments under the boring name CAP, tells me I need to post more. And I said I'd try.

I came into the gym tonight, and there was a guy walking on the treadmill I wanted to use. He was also watching PBS. For some reason I follow an unwritten code in the gym that if someone is in there before me, then you assume what's on the TV is what they want to watch, and you just politely watch it with them. Even if it's boring as dried shit and it doesn't look like they're watching it at all.

So I started to run on the only other treadmill, warily because it just stopped (!) on me the other day. No warning, no slowing down, just a complete, sudden halt at around 2 miles. It didn't do that tonight. It stopped at 1.7. Bitch! The other guy was still strolling on the good treadmill (at a non-cardio-inducing pace), so I went over to use the ultra-dorky ellipse machine to stay warmed up. My right knee started to feel a little weird, but I got into a groove and trucked along. Pretty soon, the other guy finished with the treadmill and started to leave, so I changed the channel and got back to running. When I did, though, my right knee was killing me! It felt very tweaked and painful. Determined to fight my own subconscious efforts to sabotage my running, I pushed on. It felt okay after a little while, but the other pain I've been getting in my left leg started up again. AND my right calf got the same thing! Some weird, internal soreness that doesn't feel like a muscle, but an inflamed tendon pushing against my bones. I only had 1.4 more miles to go, so I finished, but the real pain didn't start until my cool down walk. Something is definitely wrong with my legs, and I can't figure it out. But enough about my problems.

While running, some guy came in to peek at the pool and then left. 50 something, bald on top of his head. He came back about 10 minutes later holding a balled up swim suit in his hands and went into the men's room. He came out a few minutes later wearing a Speedo! Not a pretty site. Shortly after that the slow-walker came in, wearing a more appropriate suit, and went into the pool area. I thought, "That poor bastard, having to share the smallish pool with Middle-Aged Speedo Man." When I was done with my run, I got some water and looked into the pool area, and neither guy was in there. (?) They must have both been in the hot tub, which was more than I wanted in my head, so I limped out.

I still want to try my 20-22 mile run this weekend. My legs will probably handle it with ease, adding to my consternation.

I promise I'll unveil the Big News this weekend. I've been stringing it along so long now, I don't know what to write. But I will do it.

Peace out.

"Money, it's gotta be the shoes!"

I'm training for a marathon. My favorite band's last show ever is on the same day as the marathon, hundreds of miles away. I've been having annoying leg soreness lately. It's not getting better with rest or shorter runs. What do you think the cause of this leg pain could be?

Yup, my shoes! Actually, I don't think the shoes are the problem, because I just bought them in December, and I haven't trained as much this year as I did last year. Maybe my regular shoes are causing problems. It might be because I've been running less this year, but then why is my speed up so much? My legs are obviously strong.

It could be psychosomatic, I guess, but it seems that I was having weird leg problems before I knew about the conflict between the events. I have to decide between these two, and I don't know which I should do. I want to do the marathon, but even more I don't want to be someone who dropped out of a marathon. How do I explain that? Even P Diddy ran the NYC marathon with tendonitis. I loved the feeling of running it last year, with other people encouraging me along the course. Running further than I ever had, finishing among the cheering crowd, under my time goal. I really like running, and want to get better. Maybe qualify for the Boston Marathon some day. Plus there's the financial and familial irresponsibility of the concert trip hanging over me, too.

My wife asked me if I wanted to go to the show just so I could say I had been there. I've been thinking about it, and that's not the reason. I really want to hear what they'll play, hear the last notes they'll play together live, be among a bunch of hometown fans who really love the band like I do, and possible talk to the members after the show. I want to do it because it will be a brief encounter with the musical, bohemian life I've always admired but never had the balls to live.

I never started a band. I only briefly went and lived on my own without a plan or responsibilities and just lived for me. I never had a bunch of punk friends to hang with, see bands with, do crazy shit with. I know that existence isn't ideal. I've seriously romanticized it in my mind, but I don't want to actually do that now. I'm very happy with where my personal life is, but I miss the opportunity I had a long time ago to be a slacker/musician pounding it out as a waiter or clerk during the day and rocking a stage at night. I guess I see the members of Hey Mercedes living the dream I had back in college, and now it's over for them in a way. I just want to be a part of it. Having it be in another city only adds to the excitement.

Reading the above paragraphs, one option comes out as being the one I want to do more. But I'm still torn. I still with I could do both! That would be worth doing just to have the story to tell. ;-)

Sorry this post turned out so wistful and serious. I need to get to bed. I'm up too late, again, and haven't done my cursed ironing.

Am I off-putting?

I can't seem to generate much interest in my life lately, either with people I know or the blogging world.

This pleasant detour into Self-Pitysville is related to My Big News. You're not getting it yet. I was waiting to write about it here after I had told the rest of my friends about it first. So I finally emailed the last 4, and only 1 has written back acknowledging it. If I can't get my friends to care about it, what's the point of blogging about it on a site that only 4-5 people read regularly? Can you tell I'm bitter and moody? Humor (or at least the attempts at it) is taking a vacation. I'll try to throw you a bone, though. From the old game show "Make Me Laugh".

A totally deadpan comedian with a Bob Ross fro comes out, and the first thing he says to the contestant is:

"Wanna hear a funny word? Ishkibibble."

He later removed his glasses and smacked himself in the face with a book, all while calmly gazing at the player. His delivery was so great.

P.S.- Just looking at that Bob Ross picture on the site linked above cheers me up and makes me laugh.

Oh no you DIDN'T!

Just checked sitemeter, and someone from Malaysia found my site with the search terms:

"picture of Ryan Seacrest naked in the bathroom"

Up to this point the weirdest search was "Mormon Christmas video" and the most prurient was "Evangeline Lilly Live Links commercial." Now I'm disturbed.

That person was one of only 8 that came around today. I guess that's what happens when you don't post for several days.

Too much random stuff in my head

Where is Coach K from? Is his nasally, tiny-mouthed speech some sort of regional accent, or is he just a sniveling, needle-dick freak? Just saw a commercial with him in it.

I've expounded on the glory and virtue of the cheesesteak sub here. Some of my oldest-school readers may remember my original title had "cheesesteaks" in it. But if The Next Generation's Q came down and erased the existence of cheesesteaks, I would not end my life IF the Monte Cristo sandwich was spared a similar fate. Mmmmmmmmm!

I'm on the road, and there's just too much stuff I need/want to do: run, class work, work work, tv, blogging, ironing. I need to sleep, too. Man, I don't have time to surf porn! If I ever did that sort of thing.

I've been trying to get into the new, hip music these days, seeing as Hey Mercedes is breaking up, and they're obviously not GOOD enough to warrant wide-spread acceptance or even lukewarm promotional efforts by their label (just call me Bitter Billy). I read Entertainment Weekly, but I don't make time to download all the bands they write up. So I watch MTV2 late at night to watch videos, and I just don't get it. Modest Mouse, Franz Ferdinand, The Killers, The Arcade Fire, The Bravery, a bunch of others, I just don't feel anything from them. It seems like they write music to either a) sound weird, or b) sound like 80's New Wave. But they don't actually rock at all. What I get from their music is how clever they think they are, not how their feelings get translated into music and lyrics. I'm not a Death Cab for Cutie fan, but I get the feeling in their music. Their lyrics are strange, and the tempos slow, but there is "rocking" in the emotion of their music. These other yahoos just don't rock to my ears. That being said, I like "Mr. Brightside," I just can't get the damn song out of my fucking head!

I like to guess where the plots of movies and shows are going well before it's revealed. And I'm not often right. But now I'm watching Medium, and I think that the little brother of the psychic researcher guy is still alive and wrote the movie that Patricia Arquette keeps seeing in her head. It's 11:33, and I'm calling it right now. Mark it! I've never watched this show, but I agree with the early reviews I read of it: the dynamic between Patricia and her husband is the best part of the show. It's the most realistic depiction of how a married couple interacts I've ever seen.

Watched 24, and I love the show, but it makes me laugh sometimes. I wonder if they re-wrote the ethnic identity of the sporting goods owners to make amends for the Arab-bashing the media's been giving them. And Tony and Michelle! I'm pulling for those two kids!

Shit, I've got to get ironing!

G'night.

Update: The little brother wrote a book, and they made a movie out of it. I'm the MAN!

Open Letter to Mr. Flatulence

Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

Hotel workout room.

Early evening.

Dear Middle Aged Guy. I admire your devotion to physical fitness at your somewhat advanced age. I do not, however, appreciate your anal trumpetings while you do leg lifts in this small room while I'm huffing away on the treadmill. Think, Dude, think.

Thank you.

Prolonged Absence Potpourri

Hey there! I've been away for a little while, for a variety of reasons, so here is an assortment of traditional CBK fare:

NEWS - WTF is wrong with some people? I cherish and respect the right to free speech and thought, but come ON! This kid, and presumably his parents, need a serious dose of perspective slapped into them. Hard. Not that they should be silenced, just educated not to think stupid shit like this. If they have a problem with National Foreign Language Week, they should lobby Congress to do something. I'm sure these people's ancestors spoke True-Blue American English, the best damn language in the world.

This story is pretty fucked up, too. That kid's got some issues.

BLOGS - There's a new blog on the coveted list: The Legend of the Stolen Girlfriend. This guy has ultra-cool photos (taken by him) and an intriguing, somewhat sad story to tell. Check him out. He has also linked to weird shit, so he's got that going for him, too. I've recently added some new blogs to my Favorites to check out, and the list is getting way too counterproductive-ly long. But there may be some new links soon.

TV - What the hell is going on with American Idol voting?!?!? That's about all I can say on that topic because my wife hasn't seen the men's performances or the results show yet. Mum's the word for now.

HEY MERCEDES - Apparently it's not set in stone that the last show will be on the same day as the marathon. So I may still be able to frustrate my wife by taking an outrageously frivolous trip. But the good news is I can probably do air and hotel with points, and spend minimal cash. It's all still up in the air. Updates to come.

MARATHON TRAINING - My left calf tightened up badly last weekend again on my long run. I'm getting worried about the race and the time I'll be able to run. But last night's 3-miler went well. I ran pretty fast. Tonight I'm going to do 7-8 miles, hopefully at the same pace as last night. We'll see how the calf holds up. I'm scheduled to do 20-22 miles this weekend. Ugh.

TEASER - My readers don't really bite on my vague references to impending information sharing, or invitations to guess my secrets, but I've got some big news that I will post about soon. I mean really big. Life-alteringly big. How many words can I mangle into adverbs today?

That's all for now, until the other things I wanted to post about come back to me.

iPod: "That's Right, I Said It" by Hey Mercedes; "Amy Hit the Atmosphere" by Counting Crows (my iPod really likes this song); "Kate" by Ben Folds Five; and "Emma Discovery" by The Anniversary.

Check 1,2. Sibilance. Sibilance.

Blogger has been frustratingly down lately, so my lack of posting is only slightly related to my laziness. This post is a test to see if the blog-out is over.

iPod (Remember that?): "The Storm" by Tanya Donelly.

I've got a plan.

It's ambitious. Probably expensive. And probably going to disappoint my wife (especially because the first she's hearing about it is right here). Let's start off with a few hypothetical questions:

If the marathon starts at 7 am on Saturday April 23, what time will I be done, assuming I reach my goal of 3:45:00?

What if I don't reach my goal, but match my time of last year (just under 4 hours)?

If I were in any condition to try, how much time will it take to go home and shower after the marathon?

If I finished the marathon, showered and had a bag packed, could I make a flight at, say, 1:30 or 2?

If I made that flight, and landed in Chicago between 5 and 6, would I have time to get to a club for a show?

If I made the show, would I be physically able to dance? If not, would I dance anyway and just regret it in the morning?

If I attempted such a stunt, could I justify buying the ticket with actual money since none of the airlines I have mucho points for has a flight that leaves at 1-2 and gets into Chicago between 5-6?

If I was seriously entertaining this idea, would my wife freak out?

Thought-provoking questions, all. Answers to come later.

My new profile pic is hard to see, but it's Bob Nanna from Hey Mercedes. I WISH I was as talented a musician and song writer as he is. And as thin!

Don't worry, faithful friends, this blog won't be the Unrequited Love of Hey Mercedes fan page for long. Just a little longer.

Toronto's going well, but I'm not getting out at all. Just working, sleeping and reading blogs. NOT running, btw (for SHAME!) I need to do homework, but BLEH! I don't want to. I should be going to bed.

I tried 14 miles last Sunday and my calf tightened up like a MoFo. It was weird, and really hurt. I was only 6 miles in. So it's been resting. Like the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage! I might get up tomorrow morning and do a short run, but that would mean even less sleep than I'm going to get already. Hotels kill me! They have a strange power to keep me up. Maybe it was the hour and a half nap I took this afternoon.

Hello sucks.

Although I guess it's better than goodbye.

I thought I could post pictures within a single post of text, but I can't figure out how to do it with my picture hosting program, Hello. Add to that I can't use it while at work because of our firewall, so I'm not going to use it any more. Anyone have a service/program they can recommend? Thanks.

BTW, this is so f'ing funny!

Bob.

Damon. 

Mike. 

Todd. 

Band rockin'.

Band chillin'. 

Band rockin' sum mo'.

Disappointment with a capital "F"!

My apologies to the New England Chapter of the CBK Fan Club. As you can see, I'm not in Boston this week at all.

I called my mom on Sunday night to tell her I was coming to Boston, and she called back and we made plans for me, two of my brothers, their significant others, and my parents to all have dinner on Tuesday night at the Cheesecake Factory! Sweet, I love that place. I checked in for my flight on Monday morning and got in the somewhat long security line. I decided to call my coworker in Philly who I was going to meet in Boston for the presentation to make sure he had the necessary projector. It turns out he had just called my office to let me know that the Boston presentation was CANCELLED because of the impending snow holocaust threatening the Northeast. It sure was a good thing I called him, because he had no idea how early I was leaving, and I would not have received his message until my layover in Minneapolis. So I got my bag back and cancelled with the check in agent. Then went home and helped my wife and son get ready for school/work. They were both very excited that I was home for two more days, but I was bummed. I'm still going to Toronto tomorrow, but that's no consolation. I was looking forward to seeing Boston and my family, and eating at the Cheesecake Factory. It was the only upside to being away from home three weeks in a row. Crap!

Now today came the whipped cream of cruelty on top of the sundae of disappointment. Hey Mercedes let slip the date of their farewell show in Chicago. It's April 23. The same day as my fucking marathon!!!! WHY, GOD, WHY?!?!?!?!?! Sure there are other marathons to run, but I've already paid the damn entry fee and been training a lot. To forfeit that fee, and incur the costs of traveling to Chicago for the show, is just stupid. Plus, I'll hate myself if I don't run the marathon. Hey Mercedes is worth missing a marathon, but my already sketchy self esteem won't hesitate to remind me that I gave up on working towards a goal. I'll get depressed, eat all the time, and get really stinking fat. And never run another marathon again. Or something like that.

It's still a possibility that I'll go to the show, but my wife just doesn't understand the urge to travel so far just to see "some local band." Branding my forehead with a hot iron would have hurt less than that comment. You see, Hey Mercedes is a national act, with a national following, but if their stupid record company and various media outlets don't promote them the way they should, that's not the band's fault! To call them a local band is to belittle their wide fan-base and the band's arduous touring over the years. I know I am a humongous fan-boy dork. I'm totally conscious of that fact. My wife didn't mean any harm in the comment. She's not evil.

When I pointed out that they are a national band on a major (indie) label, she said that even if it were Prince (who she loves) she wouldn't understand doing that. I know that traveling to the show is not what most people would call "normal" or "prudent." But damn, they fucking rock, and I can say that I saw them the last time! Unless they reform with 3 of the 4 members and a different name in a year (like what happened with their predecessor, Braid). Then I'll just feel like an idiot, eat more and get even fatter. Sigh.

iPod: Captain by Idlewild, In the Lost and Found by Elliott Smith, Voice of Harold by REM, Doctor Worm by They Might be Giants, American Girls by Homie (Weezer).