Monday, January 31, 2005

Battle of the Sexes.

There's a commercial on TV these days for an SUV. The Mercury Mariner, I think it is. In the commercial, a couple has a Mariner and, apparently, another crappy car. They each try to get up earlier than the other to get the chance to drive it. It's a mildly amusing commercial that stretches the bounds of likelihood.

But this weekend I noticed that my wife and I quietly wage a battle between us: Who will change the depleted bar of soap. We share a bar of soap in the shower. She uses it for her naughty parts (Dove exfoliating soap for the rest) and I use it for my whole body (which is my "naughty parts"). We wring that bar for all possible lather as long as we can, until it's smaller than a medium-sized band aid. Sometimes in the morning, after my wife is done with her shower, she'll tell me on the way out that I'll need to get a new bar. Sometimes I'll get my revenge by being well into my shower and yelling for her to get me a new bar, interrupting her morning routine. I'm not sure what the motivation is to NOT get a new bar. Maybe it's picking up the slimy old one. That's all I can think of. It's the most devious we are with each other, which isn't very devious. It's just surprising to me because my wife is so responsible and likes things to be taken care. But I now KNOW that she can be a lazy soap-stretcher just like me.

The perfect woman for me.

iPod: "Brave New World" by Michael Penn and "Beyond Belief" by Elvis Costello.

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Friday, January 28, 2005

Napoleon would really envy my HTML skills.

I figured out what was creating the problem with my right sidebar and fixed it. Too many exclamation points. Ha, go figure.

I also figured out how to put some links to some funny sites.

I RULE!

I wanted to use a .gif button for the Spamusement link, but then I'd have to deal with picture hosting, which I don't want to do now.

iPod: Nothing, it's paused. Not sure why. Enjoying the silence, I guess.

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He did it again!

In this time of sadness, Mr. Poon has once again provided something that makes me laugh too damn much to look at it while at work.

I submit to you Spamusement. Please check it out. In the words of its creator, the site consists of "Poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines!" I don't know what is going through this guy's head, but I'm sure thankful for it.

As for why my archives and links are all the way on the bottom of my site, I can't find any answer except that Blogger is fucked up. I checked the HTML in my template and everything looks fine. Hopefully it will return to normal soon.

iPod: I've done two all-Hey Mercedes shuffles, but now I'm moving on. "Claire" by Jimmy Eat World.

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Thursday, January 27, 2005

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

I just saw THIS!!!!!!

Hey Mercedes is hanging it up!!!!! WTF?!?!?!?!? They had been saying on their band blog that news was coming soon, as soon as some things got confirmed. What exactly needed to be confirmed? That they all didn't want to be the best "emo"* band anymore? I guess I should have seen this coming with the whole Braid reunion tour. Dammit!!!! I can't use enough exclamation points about this news!!!

I shouldn't worry, I guess, because it's not like these guys are going to stop making music. Braid fans must have gone through this back when that band first broke up. Three of the four guys came back together and formed Hey Mercedes pretty soon afterward. So we'll see what happens. The last show is going to be in Chicago in April/May. I wonder if my wife will still respect me if I go. She doesn't really understand the fanboy side of me. I can use airline and hotel points to keep it cheap. Yeah, that's it!

iPod: Looking for something sad, dirge-like. Maybe the second movement of Beethoven's Symphony No. 7.

* I'm not sure how the band feels about the emo tag, but I couldn't think of anything else to use. They're just my favorite band right now, period.

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I don't mean to brag...

But last night I was, both literally and figuratively, a TIGER! Roaarrrrr!!!!

Okay, that was pretty lame. Sorry.

It took me a while to find a good picture of a tiger with its tongue out (if you know what I mean!) The first photo I tried to use would have been SO cool! Here's the link. Too bad the file size was too big for Blogger. Wimps!

Of course, if I could figure out a way to put pictures in my posts like normal bloggers, I wouldn't have this problem. I "use" Picassa for picture hosting, but can't upload pictures to it at work. I'm sure I could find another program/site to host pictures, but I'm too lazy.

iPod: "Kohoutek: by R.E.M.

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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

I succumb to the pressure.

CMC has made an official request that I write about sex. I'm more than happy to comply, but I should probably talk it over with my wife first. Some people who read this blog actually know me and/or her, so there may be some issues to consider before I write explicitly about our encounters and fantasies. Maybe the materials will be more appropriate in another blog. We'll see.

But in the mean time, here's some sex. The First Dirty Joke I Ever Heard, from my older brothers when I was around 8:

Two white horses fell in mud...
And three came out.

To this day I'm not really sure I get it, but they told me it was dirty.

Now, if you want to really laugh at something, go check out Homestar Runner. I was crying laughing at this site, which doesn't work so well while at work. I found the site courtesy of the inimitable Mr. P. He's a law student/jokester who comments way too much on The Hot Librarian. I don't remember having that much time to waste when I was in law school. But I didn't have a laptop that I could use to surf the web during class, either. See if you can get the references in his post titles.

iPod: "What Makes You Happy" by Liz Phair.

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Screw it! I'm on a roll.

I'm terribly uninspired. So I'm going to write about poop again. This time it's my "funniest story about poop."* When I was working in a pizza place in Maryland, a couple kids came in one day. I think they were in high school, but may have been in college. There were two girls and one guy. One of them went to use the restroom while the others waited. I don't think anyone ordered anything. They left, and about 5 minutes later one of the managers went to clean the bathrooms. He made a startling discovery: a turd right on the floor! The kid had intentionally taken a dump in the middle of the bathroom. We couldn't believe it. Obviously the manager wasn't excited about cleaning it up, but the owner was determined to make cleaning it up unnecessary. He walked outside to the convenience store and actually found the kids! He made the culprit go back in and pick up the shit off the floor and flush it. It was so funny watching them come back in a huff, the owner following them, and storming out after it was done.

Did I mention that the shit was in the ladies' room?

Unbelievable! What kind of GIRL squats in the middle of a public bathroom and takes a crap on the floor? The guy must have dared her to do it. I just can't imagine a young female getting the inspiration to do that, no matter how much of a delinquent she is.

And I want a daughter some day.

iPod: "Animal Wild" by Shudder to Think, off of Sweet Relief 1

* DISCLAIMER: This site makes no promises, guarantees or warranties that it will actually make you laugh. "Funniest Story About..." merely reflects the author's own experience. Any similarity to actual humor is purely coincidental.

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Crap! I'll try to write from Gitmo.

Checking over my short list of visitors today (if I break into double figures I get really excited) I find someone who came to my page from a pleasant little site with the address "abu-musab-al-zarqawi.blogspot.com!" That's right, Public Enemy Number 1 in Iraq is a blogger! I bet his stuff gets pretty boring and repetitive, though. All "United States, the Great Satan" this, and "we will exterminate every last infidel occupying the lands of the true believers" that. What really scares me is that my site is in some small way linked to that one. The government bots will soon find me and I'll get a knock on my door from an Agent Smith type within 24 hours. The poor soul who came to my site was probably just clicking Blogger's random "Next Blog" button. That's my defense, anyway.

I've always wondered what it feels like to get my balls electrocuted.

iPod: "Now That's What I Call West-Hating Islamist Music Vol. 9." Just downloaded it today! Also "Selfless, Cold, and Composed" by Ben Folds Five.

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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Hopefully the end of a disturbing trend

It sucks when you work.

It sucks when you work in a small office.

It sucks when you work in a small office with only one bathroom.

It sucks when you work in a small office with only one bathroom and the guy who used it just before you had an intestinal explosion all over the bowl.

In "Who gives a damn?" religious news, Rolling Stone has bent to the Christian values mandate sweeping the country and decided to sell ad space for a new, hip, youth bible translation. Apparently other people are feeling the pressure, such as, "Modern Bride, The Onion, MTV.com and AOL...."

What strikes me as funny is that The Onion probably did it without a second thought, realizing that its readers would think it was a joke. Why not get paid to run something readers will think is a good bit of snark. I miss The Onion. I used to read it in a sub shop I worked at when it was slow. Now I don't know where to pick it up, and I'm too lazy to read it online.

iPod: "Bled White" by Elliott Smith and "Taste the Pain" by Red Hot Chili Peppers. They got old pretty fast for me, although I still love most of Blood Sugar Sex Magic and Californication.

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Monday, January 24, 2005

It's nail-biting time!

The Patriots won!!! They killed the Steelers!!! What vindication. I was finishing off a nice long run (more on that later) when the game started. When I got home, my neighbor came out of her house and told me the score was 10-0 early in the first quarter. I nervously watched the Steelers drive a couple times, but the superb New England defense held them off. It was sweet!

Now comes the hard part... the Super Bowl. I hate to get cocky, and I hope that the Eagles and their fans do a lot of trash talking. As long as my team remains quiet things tend to work out. I like my teams modest and to let their play on the field do the talking. It should be a good game, with the Patriots trying to establish a good running game with Dillon (which fizzled yesterday) and McNabb taking on the New England secondary. Even if Terrell Owens plays, I don't think he'll be 100%. New England should be able to cover and frustrate him the way Pittsburgh did earlier in the season. It's so exciting, but so nerve-racking, too. Even two weeks away. Go Pats!!!!

As for my running, I've adopted a new training schedule for the three months before the marathon. I'll be doing runs at my Proposed Marathon Pace to get my body used to it. I start at 3 miles, then increase weekly. The longest run will be 12 miles, 10 days before the marathon. I was thinking I would do a 8:35 mile pace, because that would get me the 3:45:00 marathon time I hope to achieve this year. I did the three mile run with splits of 7:30, 8:15 and 7:45. I was encouraged that I could keep up that speed, but I need consistency so that my body remembers how to run a particular pace. Next week is 4 miles, and I'll take it a bit slower, aiming for an 8:00 mile. If I can keep that up during the marathon I'll get 4:30:00!

The new program also calls for 14 mile long runs, except for a couple in the 18-22 range, over the three months. Since I did 12 last week, I thought 14 was a reasonable distance to try. It went very well. I kept up a pace between 8:30 and 9:30 for every mile except for a brief walk break in mile 10. The only problem I had was my back. As you know, I was on the road last week, and slept on a hotel bed that was considerably less plush and comfortable than my own at home. I didn't have any problems while away, but when I got up Saturday morning in my own bed, my lower back felt tweaked, like I had been sleeping on a convex surface. The feeling didn't last, though. When I got up Sunday, I had overslept and had to jump up and do the chores my wife had asked me to do before she left to go grocery shopping. Sometime in the hurry of getting those things done I pulled a muscle in my lower back. It was bothering me, but I decided to run anyway, hoping the upright posture I keep while running would help. It didn't. The back was just a nuisance during the run, but afterwards, it stiffened up like a son of a bitch! I put a heating pad on it during the evening, and it feels a bit better this morning, but it's still pretty bad. I'm walking a bit awkwardly and groaning every now and then. I'm supposed to start running again tomorrow, doing fast mile repeats. We'll see if that happens. Crap!

My wife has a few theories about why my back hurts (and has hurt in the past after I travel). One is that the mattress and my back just aren't a good fit. This is unacceptable because she absolutely loves our new mattress. Another theory is that after I travel and we make love, somehow I strain my back in all my enthusiasm. This is equally unacceptable for obvious reasons. I don't know what the answer is, but hopefully it will feel better soon and let me keep training. I'm starting to feel really good about my chances at getting the 3:45.

This is not a very good way to get back into blogging after a couple days absence. I suppose I could have made this post more boring by telling you about cutting my fingernails last night, but I'm not THAT cruel a person. Good for you if you made it this far.

iPod: "Small Black Box" by Michael Penn; "Drivin' On" by The Breeders; "Drive Thru" by Tenacious D; and "First Day Back" by Braid.

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Friday, January 21, 2005

Close Encounters of the Famous Kind

Wow! Coming home from my trip to a crowded airport, wandering from carousel to carousel looking for my bag, who should I walk by but...

Rob Schneider! Presumably without the nipple shield pictured at right. I said, "Hey, Rob." He said, "Hey, nice to see you." Then we went our separate ways to find our respective luggage.

Then a few minutes later, who should I spy across the baggage area but...

Danny from The Apprentice! He was hanging out with a couple of women. I had just watched the premiere last night (during which he made a total ASS of himself and contributed greatly to his team's loss) so I easily recognized him. I went up and talked to him a bit, and he was pretty cool. We talked about how bad the team made him look, but I didn't dwell on the episode. I asked if he brought his guitar, which he had, and he told me the maker, Ovation, gives him guitars because he's done work for them. Good deal, although I'd try to do some work for Taylor Guitars if I were him. Those are SO SWEET! Someday, someday....

Why all the celebrity activity? Sundance is in town! I think I saw another actress roaming around looking for her bags, but couldn't think of her name or a film I recognize her from, so she wasn't important enough to talk to.

Oh, and Danny TOTALLY told me who won! But he threatened to come to my house and perform a spirit-building sing along if I told anyone. So these lips are sealed!

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Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Man, am I off my game!

I'm no expert, but I thought that I was pretty au courant about porn. But apparently I'm behind the times (see, Honey, I told you I wasn't surfing porn much anymore!) Lawyer Guy mentioned the phenomenon that is CFNM on his site. That linked site, one of many on the internet devoted to this type of fun, is definitely not safe for those at work or the nude-picture-averse. So you're not forced to actually visit the site to join the discussion, I'll explain a bit. CFNM stands for Clothed Females Naked Males. Basically, it consists of parties with a large group of women, a few male strippers, and a whole lot of debauchery. The men strip and gyrate, and the women, ahhhh, ummmm, participate. In very naughty ways.

I'm sure these parties flourished before webmasters got the bright idea of selling the photos of them on the internet to horny, prurient men. So I ask, how did this practice start? It doesn't seem to spring from the same misogynistic source as things like Bang Bus. Is this objectification of women, or is it empowerment? Or is it just more evidence of the dangers of alcohol consumption? I am fascinated (and admittedly stimulated) by the concept of women getting crazy and blowing naked men in public in front of other women. Part of what excites me about it is the sheer UNLIKELINESS of it!!! Women really act like this? It blows me away that women do this, seemingly willingly, knowing that not only is your cousin watching you, there are cameras present, too. These aren't creepy swing parties. They seem like regular women cutting loose and giving double-handjobs to strangers. Who woulda thunk it?

Okay, the short reprise of the porn theme is over. Now on to TV.

I didn't miss Lost this week, no siree! I liked the flashback story this week, and by "liked" I mean it broke my heart! I can't imagine having my child taken from me, to a different country, and having that child be deprived of knowledge of me. It really gave good context to the character's struggles with being a parent. It seems that I didn't miss too much last week, and not much happened this week to move the story forward, until the end. Spoiler theory:

I think Claire's baby was delivered and They sent her back without it. Creepy!

On Wife Swap tonight, the career woman and slobby family totally bonded over a game of... street hockey. More proof that hockey's the best freakin' sport in the world. I'm totally waiting for the WS episode where one displaced mom and the host dad hook up. That will be great TV! Heh heh!

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Lucky you! More bathroom stories!

I've been staying up pretty late here at the hotel. I stayed up way too late on Monday night, getting about 3 hours of sleep. That used to be more than enough for me, but not any more. To protest, my waste-management systems staged a revolt. For some reason, even before I started drinking my daily 2.5 liters of water, I peed an unusual amount. Between getting up at 6:45 am and 6 pm, I peed about 13 times, and shat 4!!!! (Aside: why is the proper word DE-fecate, but for peeing it's not DE-urinate? Weird) I hadn't been eating THAT much, but I was bloated and gassy all day, and I was going to the men's room so often, I'm sure the employees at my client think I'm a coke fiend. But walking to the rest room was the only thing keeping me awake, because you can only pretend to work so much before losing consciousness.

During one of my "sit-down" visits to the bathroom, I'll confess, I started to nod off. What woke me was the feeling of drool on my lower lip. I was starting to dream, and had that rare moment of lucidity where I said to myself, "Wait, something feels strange. I think my physical body might be drooling. WAKE UP!" I opened my eyes to see the spit dropping on my sleeve. It wasn't a lot, so there wasn't much to clean up. At least it didn't happen at the desk, for passersby to see! That would be a great show of competence to the people trusting us to make them gobs of money.

"CBK," you might say, "I don't see how you can justify traveling to a client site to pretend to work. Isn't that unethical and irresponsible?" Why yes it is, observant reader. But not this week. My specific job this week is to accompany outside auditors at the client site and be the contact person for any problems or questions they have. And they don't have many. Since I don't have internet access or a cell phone signal in my office, there's not much I can do except pretend to look busy. Actually, an issue has arisen that has given me a lot of detail work to do, basically going through something the client prepared with a fine toothed comb to verify it's accuracy. It's totally not necessary, but hey, it's busy work that keeps me awake. I also broke out the iPod, too.

Today my stomach is feeling better, thankfully, and I ran a 10K on the treadmill at a pretty good pace. I also found out today that I may have to come back next week! The horror!

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Monday, January 17, 2005

More late night TV excitement!

I SWEAR, I just saw a commercial for Live Links, a personals phone service, starring Evangeline Lilly of Lost! IT WAS HER, I know it!!!! Weird!

BTW, my brain turned off completely last Wednesday and I forgot to watch Lost. I didn't even realize I missed it until Friday or Saturday night! That was the night we went to pay our respects to the dog, so I was distracted, I guess. Now I have to try to catch up, but it's not the same reading about the episode online.

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Greetings from the Great White North, eh!

I'm north of the border this week, on a business trip that promises lots of non-excitement. The weather is actually pretty nice. Apparently I missed the ungodly cold that was here last week. I've been traveling to this city for the last 4 years, and I actually really enjoy it. Nice people, hot women, and tv sports channels show a lot of hockey even without an NHL season.

When I travel, two of my really bad habits flourish: eating and staying up late. Okay, there's a third bad habit, too, but we won't talk about that one.

Expensed food is the devil! I brought my running clothes, but I've got a lot to work against already! I DID run tonight, though! I'm planning on doing 4 runs this week.

In hotels I just do not go to bed. The TV keeps me up, and no matter how exhausted I get I will keep channel surfing. I saw some interesting things last night. You can try really hard to find a worse movie than Windtalkers, but dollar for dollar, you won't find one. OMG! I only watched the last 45 minutes, but I can't imagine the previous hour or so could possibly redeem the latter half. At least the writers had the decency to kill Nick Cage at the end. (If that spoiler upsets you, you are a sad, sad person.) Or maybe he begged them to change the script and off him. I would have asked that they replace the blanks in the guns with real slugs. I'm no fan of John Woo, but this movie surprised me with it's horribleness. And I didn't even see his trademark birds. They must have been in the first half. I'm curious to know where they shot the film's finale, because it looked just like the shrubby hills in the opening credits of M.A.S.H. Weird.

I also saw a very oxymoronic ad for the Ab Lounge. These people are either brilliant or daft. Let's sell an exercise machine that let's you lie down in a big chair, and let's use a word that connotes laziness in the name. Americans are amazing. I'd love to market my own weight loss program, with books, tapes and DVDs. For just 3 easy payments of $39.95, you'll get me telling you to eat 1 bowl of cereal, 1 bowl of soup, 1 Lean Cuisine, and drink shit loads of water every day. Then get off your lazy butt and walk/jog in the morning and do light calisthenics at night during tv commercials. I'll be rich, people will lose gobs of weight, and everyone will be happy. And I can start to pay off those damn student loans.

I had some work to do today, but the next few days are going to be a challenge. It will be a long, boring week. Don't worry, you'll get to share in some of it as I post. Lucky you!

No iPod: I bring it for the plane rides, and don't have speakers for the hotel room. Plus, of course, the tv's on.

P.S.- What the hell is wrong with the people behind Fear Factor? Tonight's couples episode really out-did the show's previous levels of vileness by flooding people's faces with raw sewage. It was really gross, and totally obscured the women's bikini tops. They must have really alienated their primary audience.

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Friday, January 14, 2005

Oh yeah, I'm a manly man.

Despite my hair frustrations and propensity to cry at Mastercard commercials (the little dog made it home!), I am quite the typical guy. I love boobs, sports, tools, and boobs. So, because I'm such a specimen of masculinity, I, of course, do all the ironing in our household. If you travel for work, you need to be able to iron if you want to look somewhat professional. Thankfully, my mom taught me how to iron. It only took about 3 years watching her do it for me to remember the order. Now I'm a pro.

I was ironing one of my new Ryan Seacrest shirts last night, and my wife asked me to iron a shirt for her. I was happy to do it until I actually started doing it. Women's clothing is just a bitch to iron. There are all these pleats and hems that are necessary for an attractive fit, but make it hell to lay them flat on an ironing board. I singed my thumb a few times trying to hold a bit down while ironing right next to my hand. But that's okay, because I'm a man! I'll proudly wear my iron burns as medals of honor.

To show my manly nature, and garner favor with some blogging ladies, I've changed my profile picture again. Feast your eyes, Sarcastrix and THL.

iPod: "Hanging Out With Me" by Elliott Smith.

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Thursday, January 13, 2005

You should probably sit down for this

I have some bad news. It seems that I, well, have some work to do. It's not a lot, but.... See, I'm going out of town next week, and things are starting to pick up and my arch nemesis, I mean coworker, all of sudden has things he needs done. And then I need to do some things to get my ass working on my own stuff, and, well, I may not be writing as often as I have been. It's not you, it's me! I swear!

I'm sure while I'm out of town next week I'll be up all night blogging my brains out, but be prepared, Dear Readers, for some slacking off of CBK frequency. It's tough, I know, having to do work. Believe me, I don't really WANT to do some of it, but I need to justify my raise and all.

In the meantime, I'd like to tell you what an insanely huge crybaby I am. My mother-in-law's dog died, and she had us come over to say goodbye last night. A viewing, if you will. He was a great dog, but I didn't know him that long. I tell you, I couldn't hold it together. Not that I was blubbering, but I was the only one crying. I'd like to think I was moved by our 4 year old's reaction to missing the dog and cheerfully giving him a toy to play with in the afterlife, but is that enough of an excuse? I'm a big sap, and I know it. Everyone was looking at pictures of the dog from years past, and I wasn't even around then, and I was losing it. Damn my mother's genes!!!!

iPod update: The music-ectomy and transplant operations were a success. He has recovered nicely and is back entertaining me. First song played: "You Say the Most Beautiful Things" by Jimmy Eat World." Now playing: "Roi" by The Breeders.

I decided to re-install the Apple update that prevents me from playing my coveted Police B-sides. I figure the two companies will either work out a deal eventually, or I'll find someone who owns the box set and will let me rip the songs from their CDs. C'est la vie.

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Links!

Oh yeah! I've got links now! Visit these people so you can enjoy their writing and they will think well of me for giving them a trickle of traffic. The Sarcastrix has already linked my site, so she obviously rules.

I can't make the links have the same bullets that the archive and recent posts have without manually entering each link in my template, which is neither fun nor quickly done. Maybe later.

iPod: "Let Go" by Soundtrak.

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It's Smackdown Time!

I know you all have been wondering where I've been, maybe a little concerned at my inactivity as of late. What I've been doing is wrestling with my fucking iPod. Wait, let me revise that, because I love my iPod. Wrestling with my iPod made by Fucking Apple! Not that Apple is any worse than other large, market-dominating corporations, but they've really pissed me off!

I complained earlier about iTunes' lack of the crucial songs I want from The Police's Message in a Box box set. So I was watching some Jimmy Eat World videos online yesterday, and I noticed a link to the Real Player music store. I upgraded my Real Player software and browsed the store, and lo and behold! They have the songs!!! Sweet!!! They also say that they can play on iPods. Sweet. I spent about 15 bucks for all the songs I want. I plug in my iPod and put the songs on it with the Real software, since I can't add the songs to iTunes (they're a protected Real format). The songs get on and I'm stoked. Then I tried to play one. It didn't work! Damn! Then I open iTunes to see if I can play it off the iPod through that, and iTunes doesn't recognize my iPod. It's telling me I have to restore it to factory settings, which will erase all my over 10 gigs of music!!! On no you di'int!! So I deleted the offending songs off the iPod, and iTunes still won't read my iPod!

It turns out that Real and Apple are having a good-versus-evil battle, with both sides calling the other a minion of darkness. Apple has rigged the iPod to only play songs bought on iTunes, not other online stores. It will play regular old mp3s, but not Windows Media or Real files. Real got pissed that Apple wouldn't license the code for this song protection (i.e. let Real pay Apple to sell songs that will play on iPod) so it reverse engineered a process that makes its songs look like iTunes songs that the iPod will play. Apple got pissed, accused Real of hacking its proprietary information, and threatened to sue.

But that's not all Apple did. Apple then released a normal software update that it tells all of its iPod users to install. They said the update included enhanced shuffling, or whatever, and people like me installed it. What Apple didn't tell people is that the update came with a feature negating the play-ability of Real iPod-formatted songs. Those sneaky bastards!!!! What I haven't been able to find proof of is that not only does the update prevent you from playing Real songs, apparently it punishes you by not letting you manage the iPod with iTunes anymore! That's really fucking petty and low, Apple! You suck! I guess I could just use the Real Player to rip CD's and buy songs from now on, but I'm not sure that will work, and I don't want to take that chance. Plus, Real Player is famous for putting spy and adware on your computer, and I'd rather not deal with removing that and reducing the player's functionality in the process.

So I spent the day looking for a program that will backup my iPod, with all the songs and organization intact, that I can use to put the songs back on after I restore the iPod. If that doesn't get me back into iTunes, I'm planning a Fight Club style bombing of Apple's offices. Or I might just try using the Real Player. I have backed up the iPod and put the songs into iTunes. Now I have to take the plunge, erase the iPod, and hope iTunes recognizes it so I can put all the music back on. Wish me luck.

iPod: Nothing! Because it's plugged into my computer waiting to be stripped and emasculated.

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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Georgia on my mind.

Not really, but that's where I was for the last few days. I only got online once while away, so I'm blog-lazy right now. Been catching up on reading blogs all day, so I don't really want to exert the energy to write a lot right now.

Most ironic thing I saw on my trip: a Confederate flag strung from a tree.

The weather was great and I got in a nice run (about 8-9 miles). A good time was had by all, and with direct flights, no travel nightmares to report.

My Hot Librarian traffic has slowed. She linked to my site in a post, but I can't find any evidence that she's visited the site. But the search engine visitors are starting to trickle in. Got this one over the weekend: "Ashlee Simpson Orange Bowel." That about sums up the performance right there!

iPod: "Kitchen Door" by Buffalo Tom.

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Thursday, January 06, 2005

Another Lonely Day

No one here but meeee - o.

I need lots of Police for my iPod. Now! Unfortunately iTunes doesn't sell the b-side songs that are on Message in a Box. Fascists!!!

Not only is this post going to be REALLY dull, but it will have to last you for a while, because I'm traveling to a family event in another part of the country for a few days. Hope to see you here when I get back.

The topics for today: my hair and soybeans.

How are the related? They're not.

First my hair. I'm no metrosexual. Sure, there was that earlier post about buying two pairs of shoes on sale at the same time, but for the most part I'm not very well groomed/shaven/coiffed/dressed. Soon after moving to Utah I changed my hairstyle to something more hip than the side part with comb over. It's basically just spiky in the front and flat all around. For some weird reason, right after I get it cut, I can't style it right. My hairdresser gets it perfect, but when I try to do it, the front middle falls down giving me that devil horn, pansy-ass Amazing Race contestant look. Aaarrrrggghhhhh!!!! When it gets longer, I can make it stay up, but it's a bit too tall then. Maybe my wife will be cool with my hairdresser moving in with us so she can do my hair in the morning. She's Mormon, so there'll be no hanky-panky to worry about. She also cuts our son's hair, so that will add to the convenience. I suppose we'll have to charge her a reduced rent for her services, though.

Soybeans. Did you know a cup of soybeans...

- Has 376 calories?
- Has 17.4g fat (only 2 saturated!!!)?
- Has 0mg cholesterol? [Bonus!]
- Has 38mg sodium?
- Has 28.3g carbohydrates (10.8g dietary fiber)?
- Has 33.2g protein? [Sweet!]
- Gives 124% of the recommended daily allowance (RDA) of vitamin C? [DAMN!]
- Provides 50% RDA calcium and iron?

Neither did I! My wife is trying to improve her diet, so she's reading a lot about what to eat. Her mom also gave us some raw soybeans and I had some with lunch today. They're weird, let me tell ya.

They come in pods like peas, only the pods are fuzzy and you can't eat them. You need to open them to get the beans out. Once out, the beans look, feel and taste remarkably like lima beans, complete with skin that slides off and less taste than boiled cardboard. I actually like lima beans. I guess they're like other beans, but they still seemed weird to me. Shows you how much I garden, doesn't it?

Now that you're pissed you took the time to read this far, let me share some good news.

Alberto Gonzales is promising to turn over a new leaf and reject torture advocacy if he's confirmed as Attorney General. That's right, since he'll be in the public spotlight, he swears he'll recognize and respect domestic and international law and treat terror suspects like human beings. That's right kind of him, ain't it? He's a shoe-in anyway, so this is all just part of the Congressional circus. If he can put together an effective campaign against terror rather than on indecency, unlike his (*cough, cough*) "esteemed" predecessor Ashcroft then I don't really care. The only way Bush can create a cabinet that I will actually like is if he steps down and gives the office to Ralph Nader. Hahahahaha! That's the funniest thing I've written all week!

See ya.

iPod: "Why Bother" by Weezer, "I Am What I Am Not" by Idlewild, "Shooting Star" by Elliott Smith, and "Footsteps" by Pearl Jam.

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Wednesday, January 05, 2005

A ha! I've got you now!

Read this! It comes on very flimsy authority, but I'll take what I can get. You must comment on mine and hers, now! That fairy is one mean summamabitch!

You've been warned. You know what to do.

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Tales of Incompetence

Bored, bored, bored.

I've made the calls I needed to. Researched the answers I was asked to find. Sent the emails to appropriate people, with carbon copies. Played Yeti Sports without coming close to getting any high scores. Now what?

So last week, my esteemed colleague (the lazy bastard I wrote about here) tells me that since he's got so much going on two days before New Year's Eve, he'll call me Monday morning for us to complete our project status reports for the boss. Monday at about 2 PM, he calls from his cell phone. Why he wasn't in his home "office" I don't know. He tells me that he decided to cut his vacation short (?!?!?!?! There's no vacation on the calendar!) because he's got a lot going on, and that he'll call me first thing Tuesday morning to do the status report, before his conference call at 10 am.

Cut to Tuesday morning. It's 9:40 and he hasn't called yet. I decide not to call him because I'm lazy, and it's not my usual practice to make sure people deliver on their promises. He finally calls at about 1:30 and says, "You may have noticed that I didn't call you this morning." Yes, I did, and it was sweet bliss! "I've got another conference call at 4 (more than 2 hours away) that I need to get ready for, so I'm going to call you tomorrow morning to do the report." Okay, fucker. Works for me.

Wednesday morning. 8:30- no call. 9:00- no call. 9:30- no call. A little before 10 I get a call from a client , whom I called the day before. We talk about the business at hand. At 10, Busy Bee calls, but I'm on the phone. A short while later, I get an email from him, saying that the status report is attached, and if I have any additions to make, go ahead. (BTW the reports are normally due on the 2nd of the month, so Monday the 3rd for this month). One major problem, though. THE REPORT'S NOT ATTACHED!!!! So the business manager to whom he also sent the report emailed him back alerting him to the fact that there's no report attached.

It's 2:00. No response yet. Amazing!

Can you tell this guy gets me worked me up?

iPod: "Mrs. Robinson" by Simon and Garfunkel.

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F' You, Sooners!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

That's me laughing hysterically at Bob Stoops, Jason White, ESPN analysts, Oklahoma fans and anyone else who thought Oklahoma could hang with USC in the Orange Bowl. Not that I'm a USC fan (I still think a good Big Ten team could have challenged them) but I knew that USC was going to roll over them. It should have been Auburn against USC, and Utah against Oklahoma. Then the winners could have faced off in a true national title game. Not only does a playoff system make incredible sense, it would be entertaining as hell! Make it so, you bitch bowl CEOs and college presidents.

I watched some of the game, because I had to tape The Amazing Race (but I haven't watched it yet, so don't tell me anything). Unfortunately, I missed the half time show with Ashlee Simpson (I can't find a story to link to). Fortunately, Colin Cowherd on ESPN Radio played an excerpt. OMG!!! SO bad! And the crowd loudly booed her. I had heard that she was booed, but when I heard the audio I couldn't believe the singular force that was the Orange Bowl crowd booing. It was beautiful. Colin's pretty funny, and I recommend listening if you get ESPN radio. And you like sports. And you like sports talk. It's not for everybody, but it sure beats real radio.

Not only do I enjoy listening to the Herd, but I've adopted listening to ESPN Radio as a pre-game ritual. The New England Patriots lost when I didn't listen whenever I was in my car, so I have to listen to it. I know I'm a putz. You should see me when there's a hockey season. If I don't find the right way to hold my hands, the Boston Bruins will lose. How can I ever meet any of the players? They'll beat the crap out of me for my role in so many key losses!

But luckily I don't have to deal with that responsibility and guilt this year, because of those greedy bastards!!!!! *Sniff* I miss hockey.

iPod: "Pretty Mary K" by Elliott Smith.

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Poor Ashlee (snicker!)

Here's the story. If I were her, I'd kick my dad so hard in the cojones he'd sing higher than Mariah Carey. How dare he force me to perform music WHEN I CAN'T!!!!

iPod: "Lounge Act" by Nirvana and "Killing a Camera" by Braid.

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Tuesday, January 04, 2005

I'm a Genius! That is all.

I figured out how to put a space in between the "posted by" and the comment links. All by myself!!! I'm such a big boy! HTML is cake!

iPod: "Crowded World" by Thanks to Gravity.

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Haloscan is here!

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

I know you're all excited. I sure am! Those of you who have left comments in the past, those comments are gone. Sorry. But feel free to repost them with the new system. And feel free to write lots of comments on the new posts, too! Go ahead, it's fun.

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Search Engine Freaks

I've seen a lot of talk on blogs about the weird-ass searches that bring people to their sites. If you have a website and sign up with a traffic tracking service it will show you from where a visitor came to your site, i.e. the web page viewed right before yours was viewed. If they came from a search result, it will also give you the search terms used by the visitor. There are some pretty messed up, disturbing search terms people type into Google, et al. Wanna hear mine? It's pretty disappointing. Besides searches for my URL, the only search that yielded my site was for "mormon christmas video." BORING! It's funny, though, to think how disappointed the searcher was once he/she saw that my site was totally lacking in Mormon values.

And about site trackers, what's up with Site Meter not telling you where your visitors are from, but Stat Counter does? I can get the country with Site Meter, but Stat Counter allegedly tells you state/region and city! I might switch, because I'm a curious bastard.

iPod: "When I Fall" by Barenaked Ladies. Say what you will about BNL, but this is a good song!

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Monday, January 03, 2005

Oh joy! Back to Work!

I was going to call this post "Back to Life, Back to Reality", the 80s song by Soul II Soul (and apparently covered by George Michael at some point). But when looking up the artist of the song (because I had forgotten) I found out that many, many blogs have used that phrase, so I ditched it.

It sucks coming back to work after the holidays after not having any work at all to do for three weeks! At least my boss understands that from December 15 through January 1 there's nothing to do because the rest of the world is being lazy, too. But now I have to come up with work to do, especially since I got a raise and the boss told me I need to "step up" this year. Nothing wrong with that, I guess, but right now some things need to happen first for me to have the "step up" opportunity. I know, I'm just making excuses and Trump would fire me in a second. I'm not a very good fit in the business world. Must. Self. Start!

I liked posting about my spam before, so here are some interesting subject lines from my plethora of spam I got over the last three days (I'm typing them exactly as they appear in my inbox):

-"Lots Of Chicks Wit Dicks mo" from gabi [Enjoy, Mo!]
-"Has your cum ever dribbled and you wish it had shot out?" from Holly Christopher [None of your DAMN business, Holly!]
-"Fw: Hrony Mmomy wants a date" from Lectures G. Ashes [Is that "H" silent?]
-"RE: Pertty Mother ready to cheat" from Potato C. Infer [On her kids? It's not logically necessary that a mother is married.]
-"Re: Wet Prsotitute wants to date you" from Credibly T. Expunge [These aren't real replies! I would never correspond with people who had such bad spelling. I get these weird names a lot, a random word, middle initial and other random word. Must be a bot generating these.]
-"Modern route for dim" from Sanders Ewleotsr [??? Sounds kind of deep.]

I actually get more prescription drug and stock tip spam than porn, but the porn is funnier.

iPod: "Glory" by Liz Phair

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Adventures in Bowel Discomfort

You may not believe it, CBK-ers, but something a bit crazy and funny has actually happened to me. Finally!! I swear every word of this account is true and actually happened to me, not anyone else. Warning: there will be some graphic language used, body functions described, and fast food chains maligned. Proceed at your own risk.

As you know, I've been pretty lazy about my running schedule lately. I had worked out a good schedule of doing my weekday runs right after I got home from work so as not to disrupt dinner and whatever chores/ child care that needed to be done. The weeks leading up to and right after Christmas, however, brought shopping errands and family events that required attention. Plus I was sick for about two weeks with lots of phlegm and snot cramping my running style. So with adequate excuses in the bank, I slacked off of running. I had a good long run on a Sunday about three weeks ago, but hadn't done any weekday running for over a month, probably. I started up again last week, only doing two nights, and it made me tired. I decided this weekend that I NEEDED to get going again if I'm going to match my marathon time from last year, let alone beat my time by 15 minutes (which is what I'd like to do). Since my last long run was 10 miles, I figured I'd try to do 9, so I'd feel good about myself but not over do it. I had eaten a lot of holiday crap food over the previous few days, and on New Years Eve I drank 5 margaritas and incalculable amounts of appetizers and sweets. Then my wife made Belgian waffles on Saturday morning and I pigged out then, too. So I felt a bit bloated, but I had plenty of fuel to get me through a long-ish run.

The run was feeling good, and when I got to about the 3 mile mark, near a park I run half way around, I decided to add on an extra lap around the park and make it a 10 mile run. Everything was going well. Around mile 7 I started getting gas, which is nothing unusual. When I run long distances, gas inevitably comes up. I let it out liberally, hoping no pedestrians are around, and keep on trucking, feeling better for the relief. Approaching mile 8, I felt some more making its way out. But as I let down my guard to release it, I could tell that there was much more trying to make it's way out of me. I clenched tight to prevent a disaster and kept going, hoping that I could make it home on sheer will power. Then the stomach pains started. I was in trouble. I knew I wasn't going to make it home, so I started walking and planned on making a pit stop at a public bathroom along the course. The gurgling pains came occasionally, causing me to walk on my toes, holding back the torrent and trying to look like I wasn't about to explode.

And then I made it to Burger King. The ideal place to use the rest room, because I wouldn't have to get past any employees to get to the facilities. The parking lot was also pretty empty, so I figured the chances were good that the men's room wasn't occupied. It wasn't. I got in to the bathroom just as another attack was coming on. I locked the door, dropped trou and got to work. It was a bad one. How to describe it? Upside down volcano? Malibu mud slides? Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber? Yeah, those capture it pretty well. As I sat there, in between grimaces and white-knuckle fist clenches, I glanced down at the toilet paper holder. It looked empty. I looked closer, and there was a bare tube inside. So I slid the bottom over to access the other roll. There wasn't another roll. No problem, someone probably got lazy and put it behind the toilet. Not there either. I remained calm. There wasn't much I could do in my current state, and panicking wasn't going to help. I decided to get through the immediate intestinal crisis and assess my options afterward.

When the storm finally passed, I peeked out the stall door. It was a dryer bathroom. No paper towels. Very environmentally responsible, but pretty damn inconvenient for me. I sat and thought for a moment. I quickly decided against pulling up my pants and going to ask an employee for a role, hoping for minimal stainage along the way. Too many negatives with that one. So I went into MacGyver mode! I took my house key from the secret little pocket in my running pants and used it to open the toilet paper dispenser. I took out the cardboard tube and started peeling layers off. I tried to use small pieces to reduce the risk of clogging the pipes, but it was a challenge to get pieces big enough for the job. A receipt left on the floor, apparently by my guardian angel, supplemented the cardboard. As I left the stall, the toilet appeared clog-free, so my conscience was clear. I washed up and walked out. I couldn't bring myself to tell the workers that the men's room needed TP. It was just too embarrassing. What would they assume I had done, especially seeing that the tube was gone? I feel sorry for the person after me who I may have doomed with even less options than I had. Hopefully the staff rectified the problem before any more unfortunate souls went in there.

I actually ran the rest of the way home, finishing my 10 miler strong, and ran straight to the bathroom for some more relief and a thorough shower. So there you have it. An uncomfortable, unlikely, blog-worthy event in my otherwise unexciting life. There's a lesson to be learned: No matter how bad you need to go, ALWAYS check the toilet paper dispenser before you dispense. Especially at Burger King! Those fucking lazy bastards!

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