Tuesday, March 29, 2005

In depth and in your face

The blogger formerly known as LawyerGuy (I'm not at liberty to link his new site yet) is propagating a neat gimmick called The Interview. The rules are, Person A offers to give an interview in a blog post. The first person to leave a comment asking for an interview gets it. Person A then makes up 5 questions for the winner and posts them on his/her blog. The winner then posts the questions and their answers in their own blog. And then, if they so desire, they offer to interview someone else, and so on.

Below are the questions he asked me, and my responses. Great job on the questions, Bliss. I hope the answers are illuminating.

1. Someone in one of your favorite bands died, and the guys left over called you to fill in for a 300-show tour that only covers a single album - which band, what instrument, and which album?

Given all the moaning I've been doing about Hey Mercedes, and my firmly held position that NO band does as good a show as Phish, I'm going to have to go with Rush. Even though I play guitar, if the call magically gives me the powers to replace any member, then I'm going to have to take Neil Peart's place at the drum kit. I’m going to cheat on the album and say “Exit… Stage Left” (a live album) because then I would get to play a bunch of songs from several studio albums.

2. You have to write a new law for your home state - what's the law, and why do we need it?

The state I call home now, or the state I grew up in? I'm going to use my current state (Utah), because that's easy. The law would be the Omnibus Mormon Church Control Act. Among other things, it would (1) forbid those holding office in the Mormon Church from speaking publicly on any issue currently before any government body at any level, (2) require the Church to pay as much state tax as any other corporation would pay in federal and state taxes combined, as well as require contributions directly into a fund for public education spending, (3) forbid the Church from owning commercial property, and (4) normalize state liquor laws. The reasons why are myriad and obvious.

3. You get a coupon to Lacuna, Inc., and, being a spendthrift, you have to use it - who gets erased and why?

I won't weasel out of this, even though I would never erase anyone from my memory. It would not be my ex-wife, although I wouldn’t be surprised if she erased me. I’ll say Scott Stevens, a kid I grew up with, because he swindled me out of money not once, but twice! Shame on me. It wouldn't be the worst thing to totally forget that. Damn, I need to see that movie!

4. The universe is collapsing, and you spend the last 15 seconds of existence looking at a single thing - what do you look at and why?

A picture of my wife and son, because to look at them in person would be two things. I know it's mushy, but there's absolutely nothing else I would want to see more than their loving, smiling faces in those last moments. (Those aren't tears! It's dust, yeah dust.)

5. You just got a check for $10,000 - you have two hours to spend it, BUT you can only spend it on "vices," and you have to consume/use/screw/etc. within the same two hours (that is, no buying a brick of meth, but not using it) - what do you buy?

You know I'm married, right? Do I die at the end of the two hours? I should hope so!

I would rent an Aston-Martin Vanquish V12 and drive around really fast and get the best pizza, cheeseburger, cheesesteak, mozzarella sticks, vanilla milkshake, cheesecake, red velvet cake, omelet, and pancakes I can find. Then I'd take it all to the largest, most luxurious hotel suite in town. The balance of the money would go toward getting Celeste (danger, not safe for work) to come out of porn-retirement and perform a gang-bang, with the extras of her choice, for me while I eat. I have no imagination when it comes to vice, but I know what I like. [Sorry, Sweetie, I had to answer!]

Now let's bring on the interview requests! Unfortunately you have to have a blog to participate. I will treat even the slightest implication that you want an interview as a binding assent to the project. I also make no warranties that my questions will be creative or interesting.

No iPod, but "Little Sister" by Queens of the Stone Age has been in my head ALL DAY LONG. I think I'm going to pick up the new album. Songs for the Deaf rules!