CBK... Out!

I couldn't find a picture of Ryan in a shirt like my new ones, but the background behind him is reminiscent.

iPod: "Megabuster" by Thanks to Gravity.

I'm a lucky guy, part 2

There's not much in this world more annoying than a 4 year old boy, jumping into bed on top of you and waking you 15 minutes before the alarm, wiggling around and talking while you struggle for a few more minutes of precious sleep. If forced to name one thing more irritating, it might be that same boy screaming "Happy New Year" a couple minutes later while my wife and I try to wake up and adjust to the light. Damn, I love him so much! He's a great boy!

iPod: "Tired of Sex" by Weezer.

Great waste of time!

Yeti Sports rocks!! Mucho fun!

Got the link from this guy. He's funny, so check him out!

iPod: "Rebury Me" by Pond.

Chairman of the Bored

Not much to do today. I'm the only one in the office, so blogging is less exciting when there's no one to catch me illicitly writing to strangers. I went shopping for shirts today at Target. Much to my dismay they didn't really have what I was looking for, but they had a bunch of these very stripey, colorful, hip shirts like Ryan Seacrest wears and I decided to have a go at a couple. I may try to change my hair to a faux-hawk now and look the part, even though I'm 31, married, a father and not the wildest person you've met. I've successfully changed my look before, but the real test will be if the 21 year-old girl in the office laughs at me or not. I think I can pull it off, I just have to remember not to tuck the shirts in. Then maybe I can try them out at the clubs! (Just kidding, honey!)

So we're having family members over for margaritas on New Years Eve. I'm not sure what else we're going to do (Texas Hold 'Em? Trouble? Candyland?) but it's more fun than we had originally planned. My bother in law, allegedly, used to be really good at chess back in his youth. I used to play a lot (I think I lettered in it in high school, but that's such a shamefully geeky memory that I'm sure I've repressed it. I wear Seacrest shirts now, after all). I never learned any formal defenses or openings, but I enjoyed it, and actually won the first tournament I entered. I don't want to play my brother in law, though, because it's been so long since I played I'm sure he'll trounce me (like THE Ohio State Buckeyes trounced Oklahoma State last night in the Alamo Bowl!!! Woohoo!! Go Bucks!!!!) I'm afraid the experience will deflate my ego and destroy my wife's image of me as really smart. Maybe I can get him drunk and I'll only pretend to drink and then I can beat him. Yeah, that's the ticket!

As for the rest of the Ohio State news of improper benefits bestowed upon the players, I'm going to wait it out until all the facts are reported, or covered up to protect the program and coach. Semper Fidelis!

As for my greatest ideas, I'll only say now that they relate to music.

In the mean time, why don't all three of you try to guess what my name, CBK, is an abbreviation for. Some people I told about this blog are excluded from the contest, although I don't know how I will know if they're posting the comment or if it's a stranger, or what getting the right answer actually entails for the winner. If you get it right, you must provide a detailed account of how you know the answer. Saying "lucky guess" automatically disqualifies you, even though you will have broadcast the answer to everyone else. I'll delete the comment if I suspect any shenanigans! I will!

As for comments, I'm thinking of switching to Haloscan because they post faster, and it's easier to post non-anonymously. You anonymous posters, at least use some kind of vague handle so I can keep track of you better. Thanks!

iPod: 90s Boston alternative special! "Gepetto" by Belly and "Clobbered" by Buffalo Tom.

I'm a lucky guy!

There's not much in this world sexier than a beautiful naked woman, sliding into bed up against you and waking you 15 minutes before the alarm to make love. If forced to name one thing better, it might be that same woman on our engagement night in a black bustier, garters, black knee-high leather boots and choker necklace walking down the hall towards me with THAT look in her eye. Damn!

iPod: "Aurora" by Foo Fighters.

My Spam

Like all other people, I get a lot of spam. There are noticeable trends in spam. Canadian and erectile dysfunction medications have been popular for a while. Lately, Rolexes and other watch offers have been flooding in, along with approved mortgage applications I never filled out. Cheating wives is an emerging trend. Those are just to my work email. Like any guy who travels for work and surfs internet porn on the road, I get much more raunchy spam on my internet based account. The spelling tricks these spammers use to get around spam blockers are hilarious. These things are nothing new to you, I'm sure, but today I got one from a celebrity! Yes, that's right, Tia Carrere of Wayne's World and Rising Sun fame sent me porn spam! I thought her career was drooping a bit, but it can't be so bad that she's moonlighting from her illustrious syndicated series/cartoon voice-over gigs by flooding inboxes with hot slut action. The subject line of today's email: "good k0k sliding." She needs to practice her openers. That didn't make me want to open it AT ALL!

iPod: "Floaty" by Foo Fighters.

My Contribution

More thoughts on the nature of blogging, I'm afraid. One thing I love about blogs is the pathway it provides to the blogger's mind. People just don't write how they speak, and they certainly say things in writing that they wouldn't say out loud. With blogs, you can get the most unfiltered access to a person's thought process, even if they're making shit up or trying too hard to be funny/insightful/caustic/heartwarming/etc. Whatever they're writing says something about what's going in their brains that you don't get just talking to them. I love reading women's blogs because it's the best version of how they think and what they think about that I'll ever get. Not that I've discovered THE WAY women think, but I've seen, through blogs, how some women think more vividly than I have in almost every woman I've even known in person. I've always been fascinated by women and their perspectives, and now I get even more material by reading their blogs.

This brings me to my blog and its purpose. I honestly started a blog because I thought "I'm funny, I can riff on pop culture, news and politics, and get a loyal fan base with whom I can exchange a witty repartee." Some posts have been honest, direct accounts of my experiences and some have been conscious efforts at writing funnily on a manufactured topic. My editor has called me out on my style, letting me know that my posts aren't very interesting. Either my topics are boring, or my "musings and observations"* are a bit forced and unfunny. Also, she says that my profile pictures don't invite readers to stay, because they're not me or don't convey something about me (as opposed to someone else, like, say, Matthew Lillard). And she's absolutely right on all counts! Her comments aren't as harsh, though, as I make them out to be (because I'm bitter, goddammit!). The key, it seems, to having a successful blog is hyperbole, exaggeration. Describe crazy people/situations in funny, almost over-the-top ways and use a lot of grumpy interjections (real or substitute swear words, like my "goddammit" parenthetical above). I've always been more of an understatement kinda guy than an overstatement one, but when I'm ticked, I can come up with pretty good, vulgar, gone-too-far insults. But I usually don't feel that way when I sit down to write. When I'm writing, I'm bored. So what to do, what to do?

I had a crisis of commitment after my editor talked to me. Should I really keep blogging, wasting time at work, writing to people who only stop by for a second and move along, not reading, not commenting, not trying to cyber-stalk me? Should I change my style, make up weird and wacky events and write about that? I checked out some of the Best of Blog nominations and found out that there are some insanely boring blogs out there that people love to read. My new favorite, The Hot Librarian, has a pretty loyal following now, but reading through her archives she complained at the lack of readers, and would often write about how bored and uninspired she was. But she did it in a funny way (often with hyperbole). So even if she didn't have the world's most interesting and bizarre family and roommates, it would still be entertaining. So I've decided to keep blogging, and take it as it comes. Try to post regularly for the couple of return visitors I get and not worry about what I'm going to write. Something will come to me, I'm sure, even if it's totally inane. After all, this is supposed to be "stream of consciousness" stuff that offers people a doorway into my mind, should they want to look in. It doesn't have to be syndication-worthy stuff that makes me money (but that would be cool if it was!)

In an attempt to make a really worthy, noticeable contribution here, I have decided to share what are probably my two best ideas of my life. They aren't going to end war or hunger, or anything like that, but I think they're so good they should make me, or someone else, famous if they can be put into action. I'll share them later to string you all along. Stay tuned!

iPod: "Meet Me at the Harbour" by Idlewild, and "Mayonnaise" my favorite Smashing Pumpkins song, just came on.

*"Musings", "observations" and "ramblings" are used WAY TOO MUCH on blog descriptions. Blogspot should impose a moratorium on them! And revoke them on existing blogs.

Disaster movie come to life

So, there's not much cheer in the air lately, with Christmas over, no plans for New years Eve, and the horrible tsunami news. OMG, it's so hard to imagine a football stadium's worth of people just dying suddenly from one event. And most of the articles I've read talk more about the Western or famous tourists caught in the wave than they do about the thousands and thousands of natives of the countries who were killed, and will continue to die as disease spreads and essential services remain non-functional. I've never been close to a big disaster. Even on 9/11, when I found out my then-wife's good friend from college was supposed to be at work in the Towers that day but got up late and decided to take his time going in, I was so removed from it all, both personally and geographically. I understood the seriousness and magnitude of the tragedy, but it was hard for me to feel much besides a sad awe. And that's what I feel now. So many people swept away in a moment with no warning, on such a grand scale. I should find a way to contribute to the relief effort, but I would want to find out what was needed, and who has the means of providing that relief rather than just rush out and give money or blankets to someone. I remember how after 9/11 so many people went to give blood, but they didn't need it because there were so few injured survivors. Sure, it was good for blood banks in general, but it was probably a hasty, though altruistic, action on the part of the donors. I'll think about what I can do, but in the mean time, I'm done with the depressing post of the day.

iPod: "Under African Skies" by Paul Simon.

'Tis the egg nog bashing season, but I love the stuff!

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the blog
Not a creature was roaming through my nonsensical fog
The html tags were placed in the body with care
With hopes that e-visitors soon would be there

Hello? Anybody there? Why? It's Christmas Eve night! Go to bed! That's what I'm gonna do, eventually.

Two days and three holiday parties. Two turkeys, two casseroles, one ham, ambrosia fruit salad, three dips, one lemon meringue pie, canned cranberry sauce, countless cookies, and (sing it with me!) One Enormous Bellllllyyyyyy!!!

Man, am I stuffed! I'm so stupid, but holiday food is goooood! I haven't run in about two weeks, and I'm going to need a sling for my stomach when I finally start again (tomorrow? Monday?) At least I registered for the marathon, so I've got the carrot out there.

We did White Elephant gift-exchanging/expectation-trampling at all the parties. You really shouldn't do this game with kids. My wife convinced me to steal a gift from our ten year old niece. She didn't stop crying all night. My wife thinks she's starting her hormonal development, but we still feel like assholes! Our son loves what we stole, though! It never got really cutthroat, but there was some devious stealing between siblings, with a rare re-steal to get something back. And, of course, some seriously lame-ass gifts that people got stuck with!

We got cheesy 80s workout things that simulate jumping rope without the rope and a collection of 60s and 70s cookbooks, including "Favorite Mormon Recipes: Casseroles Edition including Breads," the classic of culinary literature! You're all jealous, I know it. But we didn't get the worst of it, not by a long shot.

Tomorrow the real fun begins, when I video tape my son opening his presents. We actually have to get him up! I guess I always had older siblings to make sure I was up early when I was really young, but I don't ever remember sleeping in until well after puberty struck.

Early childhood Christmas story: I was 4, and my mom woke me up at some point to look out the window. Next door was Santa (our neighbor dressed up) ringing a bell. I was psyched, and went back to sleep. Later, I was awoken by the sound of a toilet flushing, and couldn't believe that Santa had taken a dump in our bathroom! I can't remember, though, if I felt honored or offended. I do remember getting a tall, stand-up Nerf basketball hoop! Sweet!

Happy holidays, whatever you celebrate this time of year. Take care, be good, and don't eat like I am. It's a vicious downward spiral from which I must break free! Wish me luck.

Blogology

As you can tell, not only am I new to having my own blog, but I'm new to the whole medium. I don't have a "100 things about me" post, quizzes or any links. My only gimmick is my iPod report. I expect I'll get more involved in the process, but it's going to be a time investment I didn't anticipate when I signed up.

I've been reading one blog for over a year, but only recently have I started exploring and finding more. It's a BIG bloggy universe out there, let me tell ya! There are SO many blogs, and I never realized the different types and what blogs could be used for. Sure, I heard about the political blogs, but I don't have the patience for those. I prefer the invective of the political usenet groups. Just yesterday I discovered sex blogs, religion blogs and blawgs. Either I'm too close in time to law school for nostalgia to kick in, or too far removed from the practice of law at my current job to care about reading those. I thought the sex blogs would be a fave, but I'm not so sure. It's a little skeevy.

After previewing a bunch, I discovered that my favorite type of blogs are the ones where people complain about their jobs/ love lives in an amusing way. So far my favorites are:

Monster Sarcasm Rally (linked in another post)
http://inamplification.blogspot.com/
http://brittanic.blogspot.com/ (also a blawg)
http://dearbuster.blogspot.com/ (also kind of a sex blog)
http://thehotlibrarian.blogspot.com/ (Damn funny for a 21 year old!)
http://www.dooce.com/ (the web legend)
http://www.daisywhitney.blogspot.com/ (not a lot of complaining, but she's my friend)

I'm sure I'll find more, but just the thought of tacking more onto my Favorites list is exhausting.

So, because rip-off is the greatest form of flattery, I'll start complaining about my job. Not my job, exactly, but my "colleague." When my company first moved me west, it was to work with this guy. It became a working "for" relationship pretty quickly. He's much older than I am, and has more experience in the field, but he's a lazy motherfucker! And it's not just me. Almost everyone in the company knows his work habits, and he's tolerated. It's a serious issue when over half of the money our company has been expecting to make the last two years has been his responsibility, and we're still waiting! He's disorganized, scatter brained, and loses patience with ME when I can't give him an instantaneous answer that HE should already know. I've since been transferred again, but he wasn't, so he "works at home." Which means he does even less! It's good to be away from the day-to-day interaction, but makes getting things done that much harder. Funny recent story about this guy: He bought new shoes for a business trip. When he dressed in the hotel the morning of his meeting, he realized he had one new shoe and one old shoe in his bag! He had to wear them like that, Punky Brewster-style, to a meeting with a prospective client. Way to go, Punky!

Anyway, this week he's catching up on an assignment that was supposed to be done last week. His mission, should he decide to actually do it, is to write a letter to said prospective client outlining what information our company will need to do our project. Since he's been at this job for about 4 years, you'd think it wouldn't be hard. And it's not, when all he does is call me to do a company-wide search for similar letters written by other people! So I forward one that I wrote before, and have to call another colleague asking for his, which makes me look like an ignoramus because, as he tells me, his letter contains stuff that I should already know! No shit! The search took two days, with three samples forwarded. I still don't think he's written the letter yet! And since tomorrow is Christmas Eve Eve, it won't be done until the end of next week! F'ing bastard!!!! Aaarrrgghhhhhhh!!!!!

iPod: Lots, considering how prolific I've been today: Belly- "Baby's Arm" and "Spaceman"; Hey Mercedes- "Bells" and "Save a Life"; Jimmy Eat World- "77 Satellites"; Veruca Salt- "Victrola"; Tanya Donelly- "Golden Mean"; Elliott Smith- "Twilight"; some Phish, some BNL (more Canadians!) and right now a Pavement song about R.E.M., "Unseen Power of the Picket Fence" from No Alternative.

TV Guy'd

Let's talk about this season on the tube. I am sticking to the most regular viewing schedule I've had in about 4 years. Not since I was married to my first wife, without kids or a second job, have I watched this many shows regularly.

Monday: Monday Night Football and The Swan, which ended this week. I watch this with my wife, we love the cheap reality stuff. This season's winner was deserving, but before the pageant I wouldn't have handicapped her as the favorite. She ran away with it on pageant night, struttin' her sexy stuff confidently, with a cute smile to boot. Now that it's over, I don't know what I'm going to watch on Mondays. We'll see.

Tuesday: The Amazing Race. GREAT SHOW! Like I've said before, it's a great format even without all the drama and outrageous personalities they cast on there. It's fascinating to imagine what I'd be like on the show, because it's a situation I'd love to be in... world-wide travel. Last night's rocket shot bungee stunt, though, that's for my wife. Not going near that one. Good eye candy on the show, too, but I'd watch it without that. I checked out Veronica Mars last night and wasn't that impressed, but I can give it another shot. Been reading mucho good press.

Wednesday: L. O. S. T. 'nuff said. My wife and I also watch The Bachelor and Wife Swap . The latter's another one to imagine yourself in, but it's hard because they find such EXTREME people! Are these families real? I like the episodes when people actually do change and are pleasant to each other. The recalcitrant Neanderthals I can do without.

Thursday: Nothing that I want to watch. I should read on this night, but usually end up getting sucked into CSI or ER while my wife watches.

Friday and Saturday: Nuttin' in particular.

Sunday: Arrested Development. I LOVE this show. I checked out an episode last season and liked it, but it wasn't until I read about how no one's watching it did I decide to watch it religiously. Man, is it hilarious. I've never seen anything that can be both over the top and subtle at the same time. Oscar's "Maybe I could put it in her brownie" line knocked me over this week. The Buster jokes fall kind of flat, but Gob is genius, and how can anything with David Cross (except Scary Movie 3) be bad?

I've pretty much abandoned NBC, whom I used to revere. They have a new sitcom coming out in January called Committed that might be good. I'll give it a chance. I don't know why I don't watch Joey. I've seen it, but I'm just not that into him.

Of course, all this is just prelude to the Big One: 24! They've been showing a bunch of commercials for the new season, and they look intense, but I've only seen them on fast forward (watching a taped show). Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!

Then there's late night TV, which sometimes traps me. Comedy Central and E! primarily. The Daily Show, Chapelle's Show, South Park and Insomniac for laughs, Wild On... and Howard Stern for T&A.

I. Love. Canadians!

That's right, I'm a Canuckophile. There are many, many reasons to explain this love affair I have with the neighbors up north, but the existence of this site is a prime one. I had seen news stories about immigration firms conducting naturalization seminars, and lots of Americans making inquiries to Immigration Canada, but this site goes so much further! These are concerned, caring Canadians reaching out to afflicted Americans in a dire time of need. They are on a par with UNICEF, in my book. Or, at least they were until I navigated the site. It's a bit of a dud, but must have been pretty happenin' right after the election. I learned of it from this site, a very funny blog also from Canada. Check her out, but don't snoop and try to read all of her 5 or 6 blogs, or she might get suspicious (just kidding, Sarcastrix).

If you want more evidence of Canadian virtue, check out this guy. I've read a bunch about him, but his site seems to be down. Pretty damn entertaining! Then there's The Kids in the Hall, Colin Mochrie, hockey (of course) and poutine. How can you NOT love Canada! I've been traveling to Canada pretty regularly for the past three years, mostly Calgary, but several trips to Toronto and some smaller areas, and it's just a nice country with nice citizens, cool cities and beautiful landscapes. The cold can be dealt with. And it has a lot of hot women! I kid you not.

Cyber irony: Blogger's spell check doesn't recognize the word "blog."

Monday Night Shocker!

No damn freebies in this league! 4 interceptions, 2 sacks, 4th quarter 11-point lead blown, and probable goodbye to home-field advantage through the playoffs. Motherfucker! That's all I'm going to say about tonight's game.

I asked for it!

Well, I guess I invited the criticism I've received lately. Apparently I'm a chauvinistic, degrading-to-women, sports-obsessed caveman. My wife tells me that maybe my profile picture is a bit off-putting. So I've changed it. No, it's not actually me (why some people do that I'll never understand), but I've been told twice by this woman that I look a lot like this guy. He's Matthew Lillard, famous for being in Freddie Prinze Jr. movies, but a talented actor in his own right. I first saw him in SLC Punk, and loved him. That's where this picture is from. I thought it reflected my insensitive, surly nature. I guess I see the resemblance a bit, but my wife thinks I look like Matthew Broderick. Ironically, my name is not Matthew. BTW, the old picture was Joe Thornton, a hockey player. He's the captain of the Boston Bruins, and is on indefinite hiatus from NHL play, like all NHL players.

I guess I'll stay away from sex for a while. Don't want to alienate my fledgling audience. Don't worry, I'm not caving to prudes, but maybe I can think of more enriching things to talk about than hard core porn during the holiday season. Sports, though, I make no promises about. Did you see the Detroit Lions blow the game yesterday against the Vikings? Amazing. I thought the Vikings had squandered another game, only to be saved by a most unlikely gaffe. The damn Steelers squeaked out another one, those fuckers! They're looking vulnerable, though. The Pats play tonight, and it will be tough to get much viewing in with The Swan Pageant finale on, too. Yes, I know how disgusting this show is and how overtly symptomatic of our horrible, horrible beauty-obsessed culture it is (yawn). It's just cheap, train-wreck entertainment. I've already boycotted the sponsors, don't worry. You see, one of our TV's has passed on, so there'll be no taping of one and watching the other. And that leads me to what is a very disturbing theme this year: We can't stop spending money!!!!!

I feel like the Bush Administration! It all started innocently enough when we decided to get a new bed with our wedding money. We got a king bed, dresser and nightstand. They look gigantic in our small house. Next major purchase was the car, which needs new floor mats and tires. Then there was all the Christmas shopping for others, some eBay shopping for myself, and DSL. And now we need a new TV! Not only do circumstances keep arising that "require" new purchases, but we keep getting the funding to do it!!! We're not being totally irresponsible, though. We're saving for our son's school and future, and for the time when we add to the family. And thankfully no credit is involved (except for the car loan).

Now that is the ultimate holiday season topic: consumerism run amok! Who can find offense in that? That's satire, btw. I myself find rampant spending and materialism somewhat shameful. Sure I've always wanted stuff, but I never really felt good about it, or acted on the impulse with a sense of entitlement. I guess I shouldn't feel guilty about working hard and getting rewarded for it. I'm glad that I can spread some holiday giving to my family and friends on a level that I never have before, and participate in a holiday charity. The spending flu will pass soon, and I can go back to being my modest, dated-wardrobed self. And do more marathon training while I'm at it. I'm sorely behind on my schedule, but I've been sick. (cough, cough)

iPod: "Low Light" by Pearl Jam.

The CBK household now has DSL, so life is pretty damn sweet. Last night I wasted a good 2.5 to 3 hours just looking at this site. I don't know much about the guys who run it, but they find some really funny/interesting/sick/disturbing things and post them there. I previously posted some movie clips from their collection, you may recall. Since I'm out of ideas to rant about, I'm going to share some of the funniest things I've found with you. I'll warn you all now that these clips are generally crude, and the last one is downright pornographic. Seriously, it's a porn clip, and one that's more graphic than I suspect many people are used to seeing (nothing sick or violent, though). You are taking your employment in your own hands when you view the last one. I cannot be held responsible for what your IT police do to you should they discover it on your system.

First, the look on this guy's face is priceless. He's really into his "job."

Second, this totally outdoes the "Along Came Polly" basketball gag. It's a riot.

Lastly, I think this is absolutely fucking hilarious! I think they're speaking German, which leads me to believe that it wasn't an accident, but a staged exhibition of their special brand of Euro kink.

I highly recommend the site for a fun waste of time. If you poke around the October archives, you'll find some video evidence of the Japanese Cult of Cum I wrote about earlier. Fascinating stuff!

In sports new, the Yanks are close to getting the Big Unit, and the Sox lost Tim Hudson. Oh well. It would be too hard to deal with having two teams be perennial championship favorites in New England.

Now, on a more self-conscious note, WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY? I know some people are visiting this site, if only for a couple of seconds, and I'm calling you out! Let's face it, people only blog to connect with other people. And by that I mean, seek approval/praise from other people. Commenting's there for a reason, folks! Leave me some feedback, negative or positive, to let me know you're out there and flushing almost as much time as I am down the toilet, and enjoying the experience. Don't make me go all short-fused, crazed liberal on you to get a response! I'd rather talk about sports and porn.

And my family! Our 4 year old is in a private school, and they just did their Christmas pageant. It was really cute, because they only used kids from second grade down to junior kindergarten. Our boy was a Wise Man. He was so cute, and did a great job. At the end, the founder of the school was all choked up because she's so happy that her school can do that program, while the rest of the nation goes to Hell in Red Sleigh because public schools aren't allowed to celebrate Christmas. You see, he goes to a non-denominational Christian school, so they don't have to heed the pagan edicts forbidding joy and holiday cheer. I don't think that public school should be a holiday-free zone, but I can see how doing the Birth of Christ story in a public school pushes the Constitutional envelope. That kind of thing should be done in Sunday School. But let kids decorate a tree, put up a menora, and show other timely paraphernalia.

Our son's little cousin, also 4, had a Christmas dance recital last night. She takes dance and tumbling lessons at a local dance academy, and the program they did last night was a "hip hop" routine. All the girls did really well, especially the cousin, and it's so cute to see them do all their steps in quasi-unison, but I must confess to feeling uneasy about seeing a bunch of 4 and 5 year-olds doing the moves they were doing. With hats pulled down to their eyes, arms hugged around their torsos, frontin' like gangstas, they hopped out and started doing Britney video moves to some remixed Christmas carol. That was just a bit iffy. Later they upped the ante with a 6 or 7 year-old recreating the audition scene from Flashdance (or so it looked to me), and then a 10 year-old came out in tight pink pants and the smallest sports bra Danskin makes. My jaw dropped. I'm all for getting the kids into physical activities, promoting fitness and balance, and fostering a talent, but they don't have to look like Beyoncé's extras when doing it! Jeesh!

iPod: "The Best Deceptions" by Dashboard Confessional. A bit lame, I know, but he plays a mean acoustic guitar.

Ho Ho Hooooh No!

It's the giving season, CBK fan(s)! Here are some entertaining, heart-warming articles and gift ideas for you all. First up, this guy has a lot of sack, and thank God for it! True, harassing Christina and Justin fans isn't up there with Alaskan King Crab fishing or Mike Tyson baiting on the dangerous activities spectrum, but Adema fans are probably more surly than your average concert-goer. He's my hero until he shows up at a Rush concert. Yes is free game, though. I've outgrown that part of my prog-rock phase.

How cool is this kid? It makes me feel good to hear that teenagers do these things, but also shamefully guilty that I don't do anything close to this level of sacrifice and giving. I'm doing the United Way's Sub For Santa this year, thanks to my selfless wife, but I could do so much more, couldn't I?

Yes I could! Like spreading the word about these! The Japanese are just fucking weird, okay? Nothing against them biologically or genetically, but culturally they're quite fascinating/disturbing. MXC is hilarious, and not just for the risque, dubbed commentary. But if you can find a culture more obsessed with semen, you must tell me. Seriously, I'd like to know about it. If you're in to napping on more explicit throw pillows, then there's these or these. (I'm an equal opportunity shopping advisor.)

Now that I've spread some holiday cheer, it's Grinch time. No, Wayne, there really isn't a Santa Claus. Since Gretzky is on the owner side of the fence these days, I'm sure he doesn't care. I reported my impressed-ness with the NHL Players' offer before, but of course, the owners want cost certainty. Because, surely, self restraint isn't a viable option. Goodbye, season. February through June is going to be a LONG time! In other bad news, the Patriots' O-Coordinator will be stretched pretty damn thin, Pedro's chasing the big (ill advised) money in Queens, and Curt won't be ready for opening day. At least my college's hockey team is doing well.

And what about this? What kind of election can Iraq really have? Even without the violence, can you pull off a legitimate nationwide campaign and election in under two months? I think not! The administration is really forcing the appearance of "Freedom on the March." The Bataan Death March, that is! And how much autonomy will this parliament have? None! Iraq's going to be a puppet state for a long, long time. Just what they wanted, after all! Some people are getting the Christmas they want. Too bad it's not the troops.

iPod: A couple of good ones! "Cyclops Rock" by They Might Be Giants, "Hawthorne" by that dog., and "Circus of the Stars" by Braid.

They're gonna fry 'im!

Well, the Scott Peterson Saga lurched one more step toward resolution today when the jury recommended that he be put to death. I can't imagine being on a murder case jury, even for the conviction phase. How do you really know if someone did the deed? Some cases I can imagine having enough evidence to confidently assess someone guilty of a crime. The nutso who gunned down Dimebag Darrell last week, had he survived for a trial, is such a case. All those people there to watch him fire multiple times into Darrell's head at POINT BLANK RANGE would make for some very compelling witnesses. What a gruesome, disturbing scene to witness! But the Peterson case is different. No witnesses, just a lot of circumstantial evidence. Sure, growing a beard, dying your hair and making a break for Mexico is pretty damning evidence, but it's circumstantial nonetheless. Having read some of the media coverage, I thought he would be acquitted. It seemed there were enough holes in the prosecution's case to give some jurors reasonable doubt.

Deciding that someone did the unthinkable, and then condemning them to life imprisonment or death, just creeps me out! It's not a job I ever want to have. I was like this with O.J., too. I just couldn't grasp that ANYONE, beloved sports star or not, could do that to his ex-wife. What could possibly have happened in the Peterson household to push Scott over the edge so drastically? I can't imagine that she could have done anything to provoke it! If anything, I can see the opposite. Laci taking a knife to him in his sleep after discovering his affair. But if he really did tell her about Amber Frey, what could have possessed him to then kill her and THEIR UNBORN SON?!?!?!?! Hadn't he hurt her enough? Did he think that was the only way to be with Amber? It's just incomprehensible. I can't conjure up an example of the reasoning that must have gone through his head. Sigh. It's a wonderfully sad, scary and confusing world we live in, ain't it?

As for the weekend, it was Christmas chore weekend: sending cards, wrapping presents, online shopping for family. My wife sure was exhausted! That's right, I didn't do much of any of that crap! I signed the cards for my list, which is about half of my wife's list, licked some envelopes and fiddled with the mail merge. What productive things I did instead of all the other things, I can't remember. I cut up some inconveniently large pieces of cardboard from some of our recent purchases. I ran ten miles (like I promised). It felt good yesterday, but today my thighs aren't very happy with me. I got a soar throat. We got my wife's old car supercleaned and detailed so we could show it to prospective buyers, but then her sister called and we sold it to her. It's good that we can avoid the expense of listing it and haggling over price.

The Patriots won again! Rolling baby! The Eagles and Steelers struggled a bit (good) and the Vikings blew another game (BAD!). I really hope the damn Steelers lose one more before the end of the season so New England can get home field in the playoffs. Now they're losing their coveted Offensive Coordinator to the Fighting Irish. It doesn't bum me out much as long as he stays with the Pats for the rest of the season, which he has said he will do. David Wells is now a member of the Red Sox. Not sure how I feel about that yet. If he's an addition to the starting rotation that still has Pedro and Curt, then I think it will work out well. I don't think Fat Ol' Dave can replace either of them, though. It's still hard to believe that the Sox actually won the World Series. Wow. In my lifetime. Hockey's next negotiation meeting is tomorrow. Keeping my fingers crossed!

So this post is pretty un-entertaining! Sorry, but I feel a bit run down right now. I'll try to liven things up with an anecdote about our 4 year old son. He's very smart and loves to educate us with facts he learns. Unfortunately, he gets a lot of facts from his birth dad, who doesn't always know what the hell he's talking about. So last night at dinner, during my wife's lecture to him about responsible, informed prayer, he interrupts her with a tale about "Boston Hockey." Talk about sacrilege! How dare my wife discuss God when our son wants to talk about the Boston Bruins! Anyway, our son continues, Boston Hockey knows everything, and he's in a wheelchair. He's really smart. My wife and I are stumped, and just let it pass, whatever the misguided, jumbled factoid implanted in his head may be. But he tells us more. Boston Hockey can't talk and uses a computer to talk. A lightbulb goes on in my head. I ask him, "Are you talking about Stephen Hawking?" and his face lit up with recognition of the name he misremembered. Damn, he's so freaking adorable!

Taking a break from the iPod to listen to my new CD I bought on Ebay, which just got delivered: Lost Dogs by Pearl Jam.

The Shakespeare Cheesesteak Experience*

“A sub! A sub! My Kingdom for a sub!”

Richard the Third’s doomed plea was still fresh in my ears, the Midsummer Night’s dream still in my head. But this was not a dream to take lightly! It was penned by the great Bard Himself!

Steak-speare!

As Julius Caesar discovered, too late: One must heed the omens that come to him, or you will find him a grave man.

If you tickle me, do I not laugh? A prick of hunger, shall I not feed?

Alas! A Famous Philly Cheesesteak is close at hand! All’s Well That Ends Well!

*Not recommended for use as a band name.

I'm actually getting excited!

About this! The NHL players union has made some major concessions, I think. The fact that they gave so much should appease the owners enough to get them away from the "salaries need to be directly related to revenues" rhetoric. The union is ahead in the PR game now. Hopefully the owners will counteroffer reasonably and the season will be saved! So much for my hockey apathy. I found out that the minor league team in my city actually sucks this year. So bring on the big boys! I'm actually excited about a shortened season, because the last time it happened in 1995, the teams had to play so frequently to cram in enough games that it was hockey mania every night! And the wins and losses mean a lot more. Finger crossed!

iPod: "Speed Trials" by Elliott Smith. His passing was very tragic and sad. I actually saw his last concert, but it was the first time I saw him play.

Crazy for Cheesesteak!

Literally! This guy has more issues than the temperature of his sub. He needs help, surely, but a nice, hot, melty steak and cheese is not going to fix him. Of course, going to Subway for a cheesesteak is the first sign of dementia. I understand that there's only so much you can do when franchising the "Sandwich Artist" system across the world, but if you can't put a grill in a store and at least cook a Steak-um, don't even go near cheesesteak territory. As you might guess, I covet the Steak and Cheese sub. Aside from disturbing me, this story made me want to ditch the can of soup I brought for lunch today and drive about 20 miles for the best steak sub I've found in Utah (so far).

I've worked in multiple establishments featuring the good ol' cheesesteak. I love seeing them, smelling them, making them, eating them. Which is funny because I came to the steak sub genre pretty late in life. My parents and brothers used to get the mythical #9 at D'Angelo's when I was kid. I couldn't understand eating a sub with steak, so I always got meatball or hot ham and cheese. It wasn't until college, freshman year, when I first tried a steak sub. My friend would get them at the greasy late night catering truck, while I stuck with the cheeseburger subs. Then on the day my parents were taking me home for the summer, I took a chance and got a steak sub for the road. Talk about momentous turning points in a person' life! That was the summer of '92. From Summer '93 through summer of 2002 I slung steak every year at one time or another. I've become quite the cheesesteak snob. I've eaten both Gino's and Pat's in Philly, and neither are much to write home about. Canada is a barren wasteland, when it comes to cheesesteaks. It's pretty much just hot roast beef! The sacrilege! I've had amazing subs in the most unlikely places, like Wrightsville Beach, NC and some small pizza place in nowhere Connecticut. I entered an essay contest to win the sub shop I worked at in Denver when the owner decided to get out of the business. Here is my silly essay, loaded with lame Shakespeare references:

“A sub! A sub! My Kingdom for a sub!”

Richard the Third’s doomed plea was still fresh in my ears, the Midsummer Night’s dream still in my head. But this was not a dream to take lightly! It was penned by the great Bard Himself!

Steak-speare!

As Julius Caesar discovered, too late: One must heed the omens that come to him, or you will find him a grave man.

If you tickle me, do I not laugh? A prick of hunger, shall I not feed?
Alas! A Famous Philly Cheesesteak is close at hand! All’s Well That Ends Well!

It needed to be 100 words or less. I didn't win the restaurant, because the owner canceled the contest due to lack of interest. He was supposed to cleanup on the entry fees. I sent him the essay anyway, and he declared me the unofficial winner.

iPod: "Pretty Deep" by Tanya Donelly

Shudder, Cringe!

If you're male and want to feel uncomfortable, read this.

If you want to kick it up a notch and actually watch a similar disturbing act of violence, click here (as long as you have high speed and aren't at work).

I saw these two things in the last two days. Coincidence? Probably not. I better start wearing my cup!

iPod: "Sheep Go To Heaven" by Cake.

The Class Issue

There is a lot of class out there in the world. John Kerry was a lot classier in defeat than Gore. Ty Willingham showed a lot after being dismissed from Notre Dame. And our new Volvo S60 just oozes class, especially since it's fixed now! Then there are the Ron Artests, Donald Trumps and pimped out Escalades of the world that show there's no shortage of anti-class out there, as well. I cite one shining example of said classlessness here. It reads in relevant part:

I am leaving all the MP3 songs on the hard drive. Some of the different music is 12 Country artists, 8 Rap artists, 8 easy listening artists, 31 rock artists and 2 techno artists. To name a few singers - George Strait, Brooks & Dunn, Kiss, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Aerosmith, Dr Dre, Snoop Dogg, ACDC Elvis.

Okay, dude, you're a bit lazy and you have eclectic tastes. That's a bit weak to sell your MP3 player and impose your music library on the buyer. But then it gets better!

Also has 31 Rated X vids loaded.

Whoa! Pardon me? It has WHAT? Now that's holiday marketing! But who's in the vids? What are they doing? Are they just short clips, or are we talking plot here? I, as the prospective buyer, would like to know what kind of kink I'm about to bid on. Are his porn tastes as confusingly diverse as his music tastes? I'm intrigued, I confess. If I didn't already have an iPod, I might try to win the thing, tell him to delete the music, and pay extra for express delivery.

Here's another example of a woeful lack of class displayed at this most wholesome time of year. I actually think it's kind of funny, but I'm pretty subversive. And the remark about how it would raise major hell had it been of a Muslim scene is most true. If someone made wax versions of Malcolm X and Cat Stevens in the Da'wat Dhul-Ashira, people would cry bloody blasphemy!

And lastly, there's this, courtesy of my favorite blog, Bumptious. It's both classy and totally bereft of any redeeming moral character whatsoever. I was told it's a reaction by some celebrities to Bush's latest electoral win, but I can't find any mention of that on the site. It's damn funny, though!

If you can't tell, I'm practicing embedding hyperlinks in my text. It's pretty cool!

On the iPod: "Split Open and Melt" by Phish. I highly recommend running on a treadmill to tapes of Phish shows. You get so into grooving, and the songs are so long, that you don't notice the time passing. Oh, but "The Switch" by Hey Mercedes just came on! You must listen to them if you don't already!

Forgot the iPod again!

"Wonderboy" by Tenacious D!

Volvos Rock, Pats Roll!

Well, the new car is home! It's a 2001 Volvo S60 2.4T. The "T" is for turbo, and it rocks! We were going to buy a non-turbo in a cooler color, but opted for the turbo in "good-color-but-not-our-favorite." Good call. There is one issue, though (actually 2, since the floor mats stink!). The dealer let us take the car overnight so we could get a longer time to test it out, drive really fast on the highway, and show it off to some friends and family. Everything was great. So we went back the next day and bought it. Sweet! Everything went smoothly, he came down on the price a little. Then we left the dealer to go drop off our son. As we were leaving the house where we just dropped him off, a grinding noise came from the right front wheel!!!! WE JUST LEFT THE FLIPPIN' DEALER!!!!!! It didn't do this the night before, before we bought it. Maybe when the dealer double checked the VIN and mileage, he flipped a little switch that had masked the problem before we signed the papers. The car has made the noise about three more times, and on the left side, too! The car still runs well, and has warranty left, but I'm not sure if whatever is causing the noise is covered under it. It doesn't happen during braking, just wide turning at slow speeds. My lack of car knowledge again torments me. I'm calling the dealer today to let him know, and try to get it into the service guy who allegedly cleared the car before the sale.!Aarrggghh We still love the car, but WTF?!?!?!

It was a mixed sports weekend. The Patriots won big, but the Steelers squeaked one out! My college's football team got totally spanked in the second round of the Div IAA playoffs. Oh well, they overachieved this year, and should be proud of what they accomplished: the school's first playoff victory. As far as the rest of college football, I don't really care. I guess it's good that Oklahoma and USC are finally going to play each other, but I'm not a fan of either. If Ohio State's not playing in a big bowl game, I lose interest. I will be cheering for Utah, though. It's pretty exciting that they're in a BCS game, but disappointing that they're playing Pittsburgh! I hope they win, to partially justify their place in the top 6. Still no hockey. Sigh. I also didn't do my long training run this weekend. I'm a bum, I know, but it'll be 10 miles next weekend, I promise!

As for the rest of the weekend, my wife and I had a little time alone. So we spent it cold, miserable and physically exhausted! We built the new shed, which arrived early Saturday am. It's a Rubbermaid shed that you essentially click together. Sounds easy, right? Not so much, actually. First we had to "dig" up the frozen dirt to level the ground, because the walls weren't fitting together the first time we tried. It was more like strip mining, but without dynamite or heavy equipment. Then when we got all the walls up, the damn roof gable wasn't fitting! I had to lift the mostly-assembled shed numerous times while my wife put more dirt under this corner, or that one. Several nervous breakdowns, sore muscles and nicked fingers later, we squeezed that sum'bitch on! We made a valiant effort to get the roof on before dark, but the bastard wasn't cooperating, and we put it off until the next day. It's done now, and the doors don't close properly, but fuck it! As for the romantic evening we had planned, Johnny Depp speaking in a Scottish accent was romance enough, so we went to sleep and slept in late! Been a long time since we've been able to both do that, so it was nice. Now to call the dealer and be tough! "What kind of lemon did you sell us, jerkoff?" I can do that, sure I can.

Fantastic Header!

Potential good news, True Believers! The NHL Players' Association is ready to make another proposal to the NHL owners that they feel should end the current lockout, as reported here: http://www.sportsline.com/nhl/story/7953862. I guess that's good news. I don't really know how to feel about it. As I've said before, I'm a rabid hockey fan. But to tell the truth, I haven't really missed hockey this year. Football has more than filled the void. It's not like I got to watch a lot of games in the past. I don't live in an NHL market that would broadcast all the home team's games, and ESPN only shows so much. Even worse, ESPN shows my team, the Boston Bruins, pretty rarely. Add on that Boston let a number of significant free agents go over the off-season, with a lot more up in the air, the prospects of fielding a promising team are pretty slim. They've got a good base to work off, but their depth could take a major blow if the front office keeps up their trademark stinginess. We'll see. Fingers crossed, I guess.

So the spending frenzy continues! This time we're not shopping for others, no! It's all about US! New car, new freezer, new shed, DSL, one credit card gone! You'd think we won the lottery, if we didn't live in puritan Utah, that is! No, it's bonus time at work. My wife and I work for the same company, and they are very generous, even though we're both constantly worried about both our security at the company and the company's financial fortitude. We got more than I was expecting this year, and we are both getting raises in January. No matter how rosy the picture, though, I'm going to repeat the mantra "No X Box, No X Box, No X Box."

Do I need an X Box? Absolutely not! Do I want one? Kinda. Why? So I can play one game over the internet with my long lost law school friend in Washington DC. That's it. I have no desire to shoot 'em up in Halo 2. Don't care about shredding with Tony Hawk, or gettin' all gangsta with GTA, San Andreas. I have a 4 year old at home. An X Box would either a) keep me away from my family; b) deprive me of a whole lot of sleep; c) corrupt my child beyond repair; or d) all of the above. But the nostalgia of skipping class to play computer games with my friend is pretty strong. That was before either of us were romantically involved with the women who would become our over-bearing, controlling wives (now ex wife for me). It was the best of times! I remember one very dramatic soccer game (FIFA 98, the source of this post's title) where we were playing for the same team, not against each other. It was an international tournament. We were Wales, playing against the heavily favored Spaniards. The score was tied late in the game. With time ticking away, less than 10 seconds left, we pushed up field. One of us sent a cross from the corner, and the other headed it in to win the game just before time expired!!!!!!! It was very exhilarating!! I couldn't contain my excitement, and took a victory lap around the small studio apartment. It's one of my fondest law school memories. But can I resurrect that time with an X Box, playing with someone thousands of miles and two time zones away? Probably not. Must resist the temptation of nostalgia. It's very dangerous. That's why it takes me at least a day to clean an office. I have to read all of the papers to revisit the time when I acquired them. I'm a sentimental sap!

On the ipod: "Spangle" by Jimmy Eat World