Friday, February 11, 2005

I guess she likes it rough.

Here's another story that's somewhat serious but I can't help but find amusing. Basically, kids think dad is beating mom, son shoots dad to protect her, turns out mom and dad were actually doin' the nasty.

["And I like doin' the nasty." (random film quote, who knows it?)]

This has Three's Company episode written all over it. What shocks me is that the sons, 11 and 16, could have confused sweet love with beating. I guess there's a history with the dad. That part's not funny.

I "heard my parents" a disturbing number of times during my childhood. Yep, my mom was a screamer. By age 11 I could lip-synch my mom's expressions of pleasure a la Michael J. Fox in The Secret of My Succes$s. A sample of things I heard:

- There was the time my parents had rented Deep Throat and Behind the Green Door. Later that night, after my parents were done, my dad exclaimed, "Can't beat the classics!"

- In a strange case of quasi-synchronicity, my mom described her orgasm as having "permeated everything," mere weeks after I learned the word "permeate" in English class.

- One time after my mom had vociferously come, I didn't hear anything but sharp breaths from my dad for a while. Then my mom says, "Are your pipes clogged?" Not the most helpful way to finish a guy off, Mom!

- My favorite parental sex story. Our family had gone to a farm house in Maine for a long weekend. My little brother and I were playing outside and went in the house. I was about 9 or 10, he was 7 or 8. After we got into the house, I heard my parents upstairs just finishing. I immediately knew what was going on since I'd been hearing it for years. My more naive little brother went up to investigate. As my mom was recovering, my little brother asked "Are you laughing?" She replied with a very satisfied "Yes." So my brother started to come down the stairs. Halfway down, and well within earshot of my parents, he shouted, "They're humpin'!"

Ah, the innocence of youth destroyed by parental lust. I've got more examples of my parents' contribution in forming my depraved nature, but that's for another time, most likely on a couch.