Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Warning: Self-Indulgently Whiny Post

What the hell is going on lately? Nothing's tripping the Excite-O-Meter, if you know what I mean. Well, that was overly suggestive, so perhaps you don't know what I mean. Let me explain: I have next to nothing to write about here. I'm not even commenting much on other blogs, which is strange because I see that as my real blogging talent. People I email don't write me back (no, not you, someone else). My Daily Brain Squeeze keeps spitting out ludicrous questions and alienating those who play it.

I don't have any friends. Seriously, if it weren't for blogging, my only "friends" would be about 4 or 5 people from my past who live several hundred miles away and with whom I communicate only occasionally.

I'm running about 4 times a week, but I'm not improving my speed or losing weight. I shaved off my beard to discover a double chin growing on my face. I have to run in the morning which sucks and makes me tired before I even get to work.

And then there's work! I don't want to do it. I have no motivation. I'm supposed to make what could turn out to be a pretty confrontational call right now, and I don't want to. I feel like I'm going no where with my company (and that my company is going no where, too), but I don't want to do anything to plan for a new job/career. Frankly it scares me to think about having to prove my competence to prospective employers. I'm also convinced that I'll have to take a cut in pay no matter where I go, which means that my family will live in a cramped house in a crappy neighborhood for several years to come.

Whatever I've accomplished in life seems so meaningless or wasted (except for my wife and kids, of course). Why the hell did I go to law school if I didn't want to practice law? Why did I run a marathon if I was just going to get overweight again and not do another? Why do I have zero work ethic when I know so much of my family's well-being relies on me being productive? I've got a wonderful family situation going, but professionally and personally I've got nothing. When I try to imagine what I'll be doing in 2, 5, 10, or 20 years, I can't see a thing.

And why is it that privileged people like me worry so damn much about such stupid, trivial things like the state of our own happiness when billions of people around the world and throughout history have weathered real crises, dealt with real hardship and despair, and handled real threats to their existence with nary a self-pitying narrative to show for it?

And when did I become such a big crybaby/complainer? What's up with that?

I expect I'll be back to normal soon, folks. Winter's almost done.

ipod: Stuff I was too lazy to keep track of.